Marriage in Islam
In Islam, marriage is a blessed contract between a man and a woman, in which
each becomes "permitted" to the other, and they begin the long journey of life
in a spirit of love, co-operation, harmony and tolerance, where each feels at
ease with the other, and finds tranquillity, contentment and comfort in the
company of the other. The Qur'an has described this relationship between men
and women, which brings love, harmony, trust and compassion, in the most moving
and eloquent terms:
( And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves,
that you may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy
between your [hearts] . . .) (Qur'an 30:21)
This is the strongest of bonds, in which Allah (SWT) unites the two Muslim partners,
who come together on the basis of love, understanding, co-operation and mutual
advice, and establish a Muslim family in which children will live and grow up,
and they will develop the good character and behaviour taught by Islam. The
Muslim family is the strongest component of a Muslim society when its members
are productive and constructive, helping and encouraging one another to be good
and righteous, and competing with one another in good works.
The righteous woman is the pillar, cornerstone and foundation of the Muslim
family. She is seen as the greatest joy in a man's life, as the Prophet (PBUH)
said:
"This world is just temporary conveniences, and the best comfort in this world
is a righteous women."1
A righteous woman is the greatest blessing that Allah (SWT) can give to a man,
for with her he can find comfort and rest after the exhausting struggle of earning
a living. With his wife, he can find incomparable tranquillity and pleasure.
How can a woman be the best comfort in this world? How can she be a successful
woman, true to her own femininity, and honoured and loved? This is what will
be explained in the following pages:
She chooses a good husband
One of the ways in which Islam has honoured woman is by giving her the right
to choose her husband. Her parents have no right to force her to marry someone
she dislikes. The Muslim woman knows this right, but she does not reject the
advice and guidance of her parents when a potential suitor comes along, because
they have her best interests at heart, and they have more experience of life
and people. At the same time, she does not forego this right because of her
father's wishes that may make him force his daughter into a marriage with someone
she dislikes.
There are many texts that support the woman in this sensitive issue, for example
the report quoted by Imam Bukhari from al-Khansa' bint Khidam:
"My father married me to his nephew, and I did not like this match, so I complained
to the Messenger of Allah (PBUH). He said to me: `Accept what your father has
arranged.' I said, `I do not wish to accept what my father has arranged.' He
said, `Then this marriage is invalid, go and marry whomever you wish.' I said,
`I have accepted what my father has arranged,
but I wanted women to know that fathers have no right in their daughter's matters
(i.e. they have no right to force a marriage on them).'"2
At first, the Prophet (PBUH) told al-Khansa' to obey her father, and this is
as it should be, because the concern of fathers for their daughters' well-being
is well-known. But when he realized that her father wanted to force her into
a marriage she did not want, he gave her the freedom to choose, and saved her
from the oppression of a father who wanted to force her into an unwanted marriage.
Islam does not want to impose an unbearable burden on women by forcing them
to marry a man they dislike, because it wants marriages to be successful, based
on compatibility between the partners; there should be common ground between
them in terms of physical looks, attitudes, habits, inclinations and aspirations.
If something goes wrong, and the woman feels that she cannot love her husband
sincerely, and fears that she may commit the sin of disobeying and opposing
this husband whom she does not love, then she may ask for a divorce. This is
confirmed by the report in which the wife of Thabit ibn Qays ibn Shammas, Jamilah
the sister of `Abdullah ibn Ubayy, came to the Prophet (PBUH) and said: "O Messenger
of Allah, I have nothing against Thabit ibn Qays as regards his religion or
his behaviour, but I hate to commit any act of kufr when I am a Muslim. The
Prophet (PBUH) said: "Will you give his garden back to him?" -her mahr had been
a garden. She said, "Yes." So the Messenger of Allah sent word to him: "Take
back your garden, and give her one pronouncement of divorce."3
According to a report given by Bukhari from Ibn `Abbas, she said, "I do not
blame Thabit for anything with regard to his religion or his behaviour, but
I do not like him."
Islam has protected woman's pride and humanity, and has respected her wishes
with regard to the choice of a husband with whom she will spend the rest of
her life. It is not acceptable for anyone, no matter who he is, to force a woman
into a marriage with a man she does not like.
There is no clearer indication of this than the story of Barirah, an Ethiopian
slave-girl who belonged to `Utbah ibn Abu Lahab, who forced her to marry another
slave whose name was Mughith. She would never have accepted him as a husband
if she had been in control of her own affairs. `A'ishah (May Allah be pleased
with her) took pity on her, so she bought her and set her free. Then this young
woman felt that she was free and in control of her own affairs, and that she
could take a decision about her marriage. She asked her husband for a divorce.
Her husband used to follow her, weeping, whilst she rejected him. Bukhari quotes
Ibn `Abbas describing this freed woman who insisted on the annulment of her
marriage to someone she did not love; the big-hearted Prophet (PBUH) commented
on this moving sight, and sought to intervene.
Ibn `Abbas said:
"Barirah's husband was a slave, who was known as Mughith. I can almost see him,
running after her and crying, with tears running down onto his beard. The Prophet
(PBUH) said to `Abbas, `O `Abbas, do you not find it strange, how much Mugith
loves Barirah, and how much Barirah hates Mughith?' The Prophet (PBUH) said
(to Barirah), `Why do you not go back to him?' She said, `O Messenger of Allah,
are you commanding me to do so?' He said, `I am merely trying to intervene on
his behalf.' She said, `I have no need of him.'"4
The Prophet (PBUH) was deeply moved by this display of human emotion: deep and
overwhelming love on the part of the husband, and equally powerful hatred on
the part of the wife. He could not help but remind the wife, and ask her why
she did not go back to him, as he was her husband and the father of her child.
This believing woman asked him, whether he was ordering her to do so: was this
a command, a binding obligation? The Prophet (PBUH), this great law-giver and
educator, replied that he was merely trying to intercede and bring about reconciliation
if possible; he was not trying to force anybody to do something they did not
wish to.
Let those stubborn, hard-hearted fathers who oppress their own daughters listen
to the teaching of the Prophet (PBUH)!
The Muslim woman who understands the teachings of her religion has wise and
correct standards when it comes to choosing a husband. She does not concern
herself just with good looks, high status, a luxurious lifestyle or any of the
other things that usually attract women. She looks into his level of religious
commitment and his attitude and behaviour, because these are the pillars of
a successful marriage, and the best features of a husband. Islamic teaching
indicates the importance of these qualities in a potential husband, as Islam
obliges a woman to accept the proposal of anyone who has these qualities, lest
fitnah and corruption become widespread in society:
"If there comes to you one with whose religion and attitude you are satisfied,
then give your daughter to him in marriage, for if you do not do so, fitnah
anmischief will become widespread on earth."5
Just as the true Muslim young man will not be attracted to the pretty girls
who have grown up in a bad environment, so the Muslim young woman who is guided
by her religion will not be attracted to stupid "play-boy" types, no matter
how handsome they may be. Rather she will be attracted to the serious, educated,
believing man who is clean-living and pure of heart, whose behaviour is good
and whose understanding of religion is sound. No-one is a suitable partner for
the good, believing woman except a good, believing man; and no-one is a suitable
partner for the wayward, immoral woman but a wayward, immoral man, as Allah
(SWT) has said:
( Women impure are for men impure, and men impure for women impure, and women
of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity .
. .) (Qur'an 24:26)
This does not mean that the Muslim woman should completely ignore the matter
of physical appearance, and put up with unattractiveness or ugliness. It is
her right -as stated above -to marry a man for whom her heart may be filled
with love, and who is pleasing to her both in his appearance and in his conduct.
Appearance should not be neglected at the expense of inner nature, or vice versa.
A woman should choose a man who is attractive to her in all aspects, one who
will gain her admiration and respect. The true Muslim woman is never dazzled
by outward appearances, and she never lets them distract her from seeing the
essence of a potential spouse.
The Muslim woman knows that the man has the right of qiwamah over her, as the
Qur'an says:
( Men are the protectors and maintainers [qawwamun] of women, because Allah
has given the one more [strength] than the other, and because they support them
from their means . . .) (Qur'an 4:34)
Hence she wants to marry a man of whose qiwamah over her she will feel proud,
one whom she will be happy to marry and never regret it. She wants a man who
will take her hand in his and set out to fulfil their life's mission of establishing
a Muslim family and raising a new generation of intelligent and caring children,
in an atmosphere of love and harmony, which will not be impeded by conflicting
attitudes or religious differences. Believing men and believing women are supposed
to walk side-by-side on the journey of life, which is a serious matter for the
believer, so that they may fulfil the great mission with which Allah (SWT) has
entrusted mankind, men and women alike, as the Qur'an says:
( For Muslim men and women -for believing men and women, for devout men and
women, for true men and women, for men and women who are constant and patient,
for men and women who humble themselves, for men and women who give in charity,
for men and women who fast [and deny themselves], for men and women who guard
their chastity, and for men and women who engage much in Allah's praise -for
them has Allah prepared forgiveness and great reward.) (Qur'an 33:35)
In order to achieve this great goal of strengthening the marriage bond, and
establishing a stable family life, it is essential to choose the right partner
in the first place.
Among the great Muslim women who are known for their strength of character,
lofty aspirations and far-sightedness in their choice of a husband is Umm Sulaym
bint Milhan, who was one of the first Ansar women to embrace Islam. She was
married to Malik ibn Nadar, and bore him a son, Anas. When she embraced Islam,
her husband Malik was angry with her, and left her, but she persisted in her
Islam. Shortly afterwards, she heard the news of his death, and she was still
in the flower of her youth. She bore it all with the hope of reward, for the
sake of Allah (SWT), and devoted herself to taking care of her ten-year-old
son Anas. She took him to the Prophet (PBUH), so that he could serve him (and
learn from him).
One of the best young men of Madinah, one of the best-looking, richest and strongest,
came to seek her hand in marriage. This was Abu Talhah -before he became Muslim.
Many of the young women of Yathrib liked him because of his wealth, strength
and youthful good looks, and he thought that Umm Sulaym would joyfully rush
to accept his offer. But to his astonishment, she told him, "O Abu Talhah, do
you not know that your god whom you worship is just a tree that grew in the
ground and was carved into shape by the slave of Banu so-and-so." He said, "Of
course." She said, "Do you not feel ashamed to prostrate yourself to a piece
of wood that grew in the ground and was carved by the slave of Banu so-and-so?"
Abu Talhah was stubborn, and hinted to her of an expensive dowry and luxurious
lifestyle, but she persisted in her point of view, and told him frankly: "O
Abu Talhah, a man like you could not be turned away, but you are a disbelieving
man, and I am a Muslim woman. It is not permitted for me to marry you, but if
you were to embrace Islam, that would be my dowry (mahr), and I would ask you
for nothing more."6
He returned the following day to try to tempt her with a larger dowry and more
generous gift, but she stood firm, and her persistance and maturity only enhanced
her beauty in his eyes. She said to him, "O Abu Talhah, do you not know that
your god whom you worship was carved by the carpenter slave of so-and-so? If
you were to set it alight, it would burn." Her words came as a shock to Abu
Talhah, and he asked himself, Does the Lord burn? Then he uttered the words:
"Ashhadu an la ilaha ill-Allah wa ashhadu anna Muhammadan rasul-Allah."
Then Umm Sulaym said to her son Anas, with joy flooding her entire being, "O
Anas, marry me to Abu Talhah." So Anas brought witnesses and the marriage was
solemnized.
Abu Talhah was so happy that he was determined to put all his wealth at Umm
Sulaym's disposal, but hers was the attitude of the selfless, proud, sincere
believing woman. She told him, "O Abu Talhah, I married you for the sake of
Allah (SWT), and I will not take any other dowry." She knew that when Abu Talhah
embraced Islam, she did not only win herself a worthy husband, but she also
earned a reward from Allah (SWT) that was better than owning red camels (the
most highly-prized kind) in this world, as she had heard the Prophet (PBUH)
say:
"If Allah (SWT) were to guide one person to Islam through you, it is better
for you than owning red camels."7
Such great Muslim women are examples worthy of emulation, from whom Muslim women
may learn purity of faith, strength of character, soundness of belief and wisdom
in choosing a husband.
She is obedient to her husband and shows him respect
The true Muslim woman is always obedient to her husband, provided that no sin
is involved. She is respectful towards him and is always eager to please him
and make him happy. If he is poor, she does not complain about his being unable
to spend much. She does not complain about her housework, because she remembers
that many of the virtuous women in Islamic history set an example of patience,
goodness and a positive attitude in serving their husbands and taking care of
their homes despite the poverty and hardships they faced. One of the foremost
of these exemplary wives is Fatimah al-Zahra', the daughter of Muhammad (PBUH)
and the wife of `Ali ibn Abi Talib (RAA). She used to complain of the pain in
her hands caused by grinding grain with the hand-mill. Her husband `Ali ibn
Abi Talib said to her one day, "Your father has brought some female slaves,
so go and ask him for one of them to come and serve you." She went to her father,
but she felt too shy to ask him for what she wanted. `Ali went and asked him
to provide a servant for his beloved daughter, but the Prophet (PBUH) could
not respond to those who most dear to him whilst ignoring the needs of the poor
among the Muslims, so he came to his daughter and her husband and said: "Shall
I not teach you something that is better than that for which you asked me? When
you go to bed at night, say `Subhan Allah' thirty-three times, `Al-hamdu lillah'
thirty-three times, and `Allahu akbar' thirty-four times. This is better for
you than a servant."
Then he bid them farewell and left, after inin them this divine help which would
make them forget their tiredness and help them to overcome their exhaustion.
`Ali (RAA) began to repeat the words that the Prophet (PBUH) had taught him.
He said, "I never stopped doing that after he had taught me these words." One
of his companions asked him, "Not even on the night of Siffin?" He said, "Not
even on the night of Siffin."8
Asma' bint Abi Bakr al-Siddiq served her husband al-Zubayr, and took care of
the house. Her husband had a horse, which she took care of, feeding it and exercising
it. She also repaired the water-bucket, made bread, and carried dates on her
head from far away. Bukhari and Muslim report this in her own words:
"Al-Zubayr married me, and he had no wealth, no slaves, nothing except his horse.
I used to feed his horse, looking after it and exercising it. I crushed date-stones
to feed his camel. I used to bring water and repair the bucket, and I used to
make bread but I could not bake it, so some of my Ansari neighbours, who were
kind women, used to bake it for me. I used to carry the dates from the garden
that the Prophet (PBUH) had given to al-Zubayr on my head, and this garden was
two-thirds of a farsakh away. One day I was coming back with the dates on my
head. I met the Messenger of Allah, who had a group of his Companions with him.
He called me, then told his camel to sit down so that I could ride behind him.
I told (al-Zubayr), `I felt shy, because I know that you are a jealous man.'
He said, `It is worse for me to see you carrying the dates on your head than
to see you riding behind him.' Later, Abu Bakr sent me a servant, who relieved
me of having to take care of the horse; it was as if I had been released from
slavery."9
The true Muslim woman devotes herself to taking care of her house and husband.
She knows her husband's rights over her, and how great they are, as was confirmed
by the Prophet's words:
"No human being is permitted to prostrate to another, but if this were permitted
I would have ordered wives to prostrate to their husbands, because of the greatness
of the rights they have over them."10
And:
"If I were to order anyone to prostrate to anyone else, I would have ordered
women to prostrate to their husbands."11
`A'ishah (May Allah be pleased with her) asked the Messenger of Allah (PBUH):
"Who has the greatest rights over a woman?" He said, "Her husband." She asked,
`And who has the greatest rights over a man?" He said, "His mother."12
A woman came to ask the Prophet (PBUH) about some matter, and when he had dealt
with it, he asked her, "Do you have a husband?" She said, "Yes." He asked her,
"How are you with him?" She said, "I never fall short in my duties, except for
that which is beyond me." He said, "Pay attention to how you treat him, for
he is your Paradise and your Hell."13
How can the Muslim woman complain about taking care of her house and husband
when she hears these words of Prophetic guidance? She should fulfil her household
duties and take care of her husband in a spirit of joy, because she is not carrying
a tiresome burden, she is doing work in her home that she knows will bring reward
from Allah (SWT).
The Sahabah, may Allah (SWT) be pleased with them, and those who followed them
understood this Islamic teaching and transmitted it from the Prophet (PBUH).
When a bride was prepared for marriage, she would be told to serve her husband
and take care of his rights. Thus the Muslim woman knew her duties towards her
husband, and down through the ages caring for her husband and being a good wife
were established womanly attributes. One example of this is what was said by
the faqih al-Hanbali ibn al-Jawzi in his book Ahkam al-Nisa' (p. 331): In the
second century AH there was a righteous man called Shu`ayb ibn Harb, who used
to fast and spend his nights in prayer. He wanted to marry a woman, and told
her humbly, "I am a bad-tempered man." She replied, tactfully and cleverly,
"The one who makes you lose your temper is worse than you." He realized that
there stood before him a woman who was intelligent, wise and mature. He immediately
said to her, "You will be my wife."
This woman had a clear understanding of how to be a good wife, which confirmed
to the man who had come to seek her hand that she was a woman who would understand
the psychology and nature of her husband and would know what would please him
and what would make him angry; she would be able to win his heart and earn his
admiration and respect, and would close the door to every possible source of
conflict that could disrupt their married life. The woman who does not understand
these realities does not deserve to be a successful wife; through her ignorance
and shortcomings she may provoke her husband to lose his temper, in which case,
she would be worse than him, for being the direct cause of his anger.
The tactful Muslim woman is never like this. She helps her husband to be of
good character, by displaying different types of intelligence, cleverness and
alertness in the way she deals with him. This opens his heart to her and makes
him fond of her, because being a good wife is a not only a quality that she
may boast about among her friends, but it is also a religious obligation for
which Allah (SWT) will call her to account: if she has done well, she will be
rewarded, but if she has fallen short she will have to pay the penalty.
One of the most important ways in which the Muslim woman obeys her husband is
by respecting his wishes with regard to the permissible pleasures of daily life,
such as social visits, food, dress, speech, etc. The more she responds to his
wishes in such matters, the happier and more enjoyable the couple's life becomes,
and the closer it is to the spirit and teachings of Islam.
The Muslim woman does not forget that her obedience to her husband is one of
the things that may lead her to Paradise, as the Prophet (PBUH) said:
"If a woman prays her five daily prayers, fasts her month (of Ramadan), obeys
her husband and guards her chastity, then it will be said to her: `Enter Paradise
by whichever of its gates you wish.'"14
Umm Salamah (May Allah be pleased with her) said:
"The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said: `Any woman who dies, and her husband is
pleased with her, will enter Paradise.'"15
The Prophet (PBUH) draw a clear and delightful picture of the well-behaved,
easy-going, loving, righteous Muslim wife, one who will be happy in this world
and the next:
"Shall I not tell you about your wives in Paradise?" We said, "Of course, O
Messenger of Allah." He said, "They are fertile and loving. If she becomes angry
or is mistreated, or her husband becomes angry, she says, `My hand is in your
hand; I shall never sleep until you are pleased with me.'"16
The true Muslim woman knows that Islam, which has multiplied her reward for
obeying her husband and made it a means of her admittance to Paradise, has also
warned every woman who deviates from the path of marital obedience and neglects
to take care of her husband, that she will be guilty of sin, and will incur
the wrath and curses of the angels.
Bukhari and Muslim report from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet (PBUH) said:
"If a man calls his wife to his bed and she does not come, and he goes to sleep
angry with her, the angels will curse her until the morning."17
Muslim reports from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet (PBUH) said Imam:
"By the One in Whose hand is my soul, there is no man who calls his wife to
his bed, and she refuses him, but the One Who is in heaven will be angry with
her, until the husband is pleased with her once more."18
The angels' curse will befall every woman who is rebellious and disobedient;
this does not exclude those who are too slow and reluctant to respond to their
husbands:
"Allah (SWT) will curse those procrastinating women who, when their husbands
call them to their beds, say `I will, I will . . .' until he falls asleep."
19
Marriage in Islam is intended to protect the chastity of men and women alike,
therefore it is the woman's duty to respond to her husband's requests for conjugal
relations. She should not givsilly excuses and try to avoid it. For this reason,
several hadith urge a wife to respond to her husband's needs as much as she
is able, no matter how busy she may be or whatever obstacles there may be, so
long as there is no urgent or unavoidable reason not to do so.
In one of these hadith, the Prophet (PBUH) said:
"If a man calls his wife to his bed, let her respond, even if she is riding
her camel [i.e., very busy]."20
And:
"If a man calls his wife, then let her come, even if she is busy at the oven."21
The issue of protecting a man's chastity and keeping him away from temptation
is more important than anything else that a woman can do, because Islam wants
men and women alike to live in an environment which is entirely pure and free
from any motive of fitnah or haram pleasures. The flames of sexual desire and
thoughts of pursuing them through haram means can only be extinguished by means
of discharging that natural energy in natural and lawful ways. This is what
the Prophet (PBUH) meant in the hadith narrated by Muslim from Jabir:
"If anyone of you is attracted to a woman, let him go to his wife and have intercourse
with her, for that will calm him down."22
The warning given to the woman whose husband is angry with her reaches such
an extent that it would shake the conscience of every righteous wife who has
faith in Allah (SWT) and the Last Day: she is told that her prayer and good
deeds will not be accepted, until her husband is pleased with her again. This
is stated in the hadith narrated by Jabir from `Abdullah:
"The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said: `There are three people whose prayers will
not be accepted, neither their good works: a disobedient slave until he returns
to his masters and puts his hand in theirs; a woman whose husband is angry with
her, until he is pleased with her again; and the drunkard, until he becomes
sober.'"23
When these hadith refer to the husband being angry with his wife, they refer
to cases in which the husband is right and the wife is wrong. When the opposite
is the case, and the husband is wrong, then his anger has no negative implications
for her; in fact, Allah (SWT) will reward the wife for her patience. But the
wife is still required to obey her husband, so long as no sin is involved, because
there should be no obedience to a created being if it entails disobedience to
the Creator. Concerning this, the Prophet (PBUH) said:
"It is not permitted for a woman who believes in Allah (SWT) to allow anyone
into her husband's house whom he dislikes; or to go out when he does not want
her to; or to obey anyone else against him; or to forsake his bed; or to hit
him. If he is wrong, then let her come to him until he is pleased with her,
and if he accepts her then all is well, Allah (SWT) will accept her deeds and
make her position stronger, and there will be no sin on her. If he does not
accept her, then at least she will have done her best and excused herself in
the sight of Allah (SWT)."24.
Another aspect of wifely obedience is that she should not fast at times other
than Ramadan except with his permission, that she should not allow anyone to
enter his house without his permission, and that she should not spend any of
his earnings without his permission. If she spends anything without him having
told her to do so, then half of the reward for that spending will be given to
him. The true Muslim woman takes heed of this teaching which was stated by the
Prophet (PBUH) in the hadith:
"It is not permitted for a woman to fast when her husband is present, except
with his permission; or to allow anyone into his house except with his permission;
or to spend any of his earnings unless he has told her to do so, otherwise half
of the reward will be given to him."25
According to a report given by Muslim, he (PBUH) said:
"A woman should not fast if her husband is present, except with his permission.
She should not allow anyone to enter his house when he is present without his
permission. Whatever she spends of his wealth without him having told her to
do so, half of the reward for it will be given to him."26
The point here is the permission of the husband. If a wife gives some of his
money in voluntary charity without his permission, then she will not receive
any reward; on the contrary, it will be recorded as a sin on her part. If she
wants to spend in his absence, and she knows that if he knew about it he would
give his permission, then she is allowed to do so, otherwise it is not permitted.
Mutual understanding and harmony between husband and wife cannot be achieved
unless there is understanding between them on such matters, so that neither
of them will fall into such errors and troubles as may damage the marriage which
Islam has built on a basis of love and mercy, and sought to maintain its purity,
care and harmony.
If the husband is a miser, and spends too little on her and her children, then
she is allowed to spend as much as she needs from his wealth on herself and
her children, in moderation, without his knowledge. The Prophet (PBUH) stated
this to Hind bint `Utbah, the wife of Abu Sufyan, when she came to him and said,
"O Messenger of Allah, Abu Sufyan is a stingy man. What he gives me is not enough
for me and my child, unless I take from him without his knowledge." He told
her, "Take what is enough for you and your child, in moderation."27 Thus Islam
has made women responsible for good conduct in their running of the household
affairs.
The Muslim woman understands the responsibility that Islam has given her, to
take care of her husband's house and children by making her a "shepherd" over
her husband's house and children. She has been specifically reminded of this
responsibility in recognition of her role, in the hadith in which the Prophet
(PBUH) made every individual in the Islamic society responsible for those under
his or her authority in such a way that no-one, man or woman, may evade responsibility:
"Each of you is a shepherd, and each is responsible for those under his care.
A ruler is a shepherd; a man is the shepherd of his family; a woman is the shepherd
of her husband's house and children. For each of you is a shepherd and each
of you is responsible for those under his care."28
The true Muslim woman is always described as being loving towards her children
and caring towards her husband. These are two of the most beautiful characteristics
that a woman of any time or place may possess. The Prophet (PBUH) praised these
two characteristics, which were embodied by the women of Quraysh, who represented
the best women among the Arabs in terms of loving their children, caring for
their husbands, respecting their rights and looking after their wealth with
care, honesty and wisdom:
"The best women who ride camels are the women of Quraysh. They are the most
compassionate towards their children when they are small, and the most careful
with regard to their husbands' wealth."29
This is a valuable testimony on the part of the Prophet (PBUH), attesting to
the psychological and moral qualities of the women of Quraysh which enhanced
their beauty and virtue. This testimony respresents a call to every Muslim woman
to emulate the women of Quraysh in loving her children and taking care of her
husband. These two important characteristics contribute to the success of a
marriage, make individuals and families happy, and help a society to advance.
It is a great honour for a woman to take care of her husband every morning and
evening, and wherever he goes, treating him with gentleness and good manners
which will fill his life with joy, tranquillity and stability. Muslim women
have the best example in `A'ishah (May Allah be pleased with her), who used
to accompany the Prophet (PBUH) on Hajj, surrounding him with her care, putting
perfume on him with her own hands before he entered ihram, and after he finished
his ihram, before he performed tawaf al-ifadah.30 She chose for him the best
perfume that she could find. This is stated in a number of sahih hadith reported
by Bukhari and Muslim, for example:
"I applied perfume to the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) with myown hands before
he entered the state of ihram and when he concluded it before circumambulating
the House."31
"I applied perfume to the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) with these two hands of
mine when he entered ihram and when he concluded it, before he performed tawaf,"
-and she spread her hands.32
`Urwah said:
"I asked `A'ishah, `With what did you perfume the Messenger of Allah (PBUH)
at the time when he entered ihram?' She said, `With the best of perfume.'"33
According to another report also given by Muslim, `A'ishah said:
"I applied the best perfume I could find to the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) before
he entered ihram and when he concluded it, before he perfomed tawaf al-ifadah."34
When the Prophet (PBUH) was in seclusion (i`tikaf), he would lean his head towards
`A'ishah, and she would comb and wash his hair. Bukhari and Muslim both report
this in sahih hadith narrated from `A'ishah (May Allah be pleased with her),
such as:
"When the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) was in i`tikaf, he inclined his head towards
me and I combed his hair, and he did not enter the house except to answer the
call of nature."35
"I used to wash the Prophet's head when I was menstruating."36
`Aishah urged women to take good care of their husbands and to recognize the
rights that their husbands had over them. She saw these rights as being so great
and so important that a woman was barely qualified to wipe the dust from her
husband's feet with her face, as she stated: "O womenfolk, if you knew the rights
that your husbands have over you, every one of you would wipe the dust from
her husband's feet with her face."37
This is a vivid expression of the importance of the husband's rights over his
wife. `A'ishah wanted to bring this to women's attention, so as to remove from
the hearts of arrogant and stubborn women all those harsh, obstinate feelings
that all too often destroy a marriage and turn it into a living hell.
Honouring and respecting one's husband is one of the characteristic attitudes
of this ummah. It is one of the good manners known at the time of jahiliyyah
that were endorsed by Islam and perpetuated by the Arabs after they embraced
Islam. Our Arab heritage is filled with texts that eloquently describe the advice
given by mothers to their daughters, to care for, honour and respect their husbands;
these texts may be regarded as invaluable social documents.
One of the most famous and most beautiful of these texts was recorded by `Abd
al-Malik ibn `Umayr al-Qurashi, who was one of the outstanding scholars of the
second century AH. He quotes the words of advice given by Umamah bint al-Harith,
one of the most eloquent and learned women, who was possessed of wisdom and
great maturity, to her daughter on the eve of her marriage. These beautiful
words deserve to be inscribed in golden ink.
`Abd al-Malik said: "When `Awf ibn Muhallim al-Shaybani, one of the most highly
respected leaders of the Arab nobility during the jahiliyyah, married his daughter
Umm Iyas to al-Harith ibn `Amr al-Kindi, she was made ready to be taken to the
groom, then her mother Umamah came in to her, to advise her, and said:
`O my daughter, if it were deemed unnecessary to give you this advice because
of good manners and noble descent, then it would have been unnecessary for you,
because you possess these qualities, but it will serve as a reminder to those
who are forgetful, and will help those who are wise.
`O my daughter, if a woman were able to do without a husband by virtue of her
father's wealth and her need for her father, then you of all people would be
most able to do without a husband, but women were created for men just as men
were created for them.
`O my daughter, you are about to leave the home in which you grew up, where
you first learned to walk, to go to a place you do not know, to a companion
with whom you are unfamiliar. By marrying you he has become a master over you,
so be like a servant to him, and he will become like a servant to you.
`Take from me ten qualities, which will be a provision and a reminder for you.
`The first and second of them are: be content in his company, and listen to
and obey him, for contentment brings peace of mind, and listening to and obeying
one's husband pleases Allah.
`The third and fourth of them are: make sure that you smell good and look good;
he should not see anything ugly in you, and he should not smell anything but
a pleasant smell from you. Kohl is the best kind of beautification to be found,
and water is better than the rarest perfume.
`The fifth and the sixth of them are: prepare his food on time, and keep quiet
when he is asleep, for raging hunger is like a burning flame, and disturbing
his sleep will make him angry.
`The seventh and eighth of them are: take care of his servants (or employees)
and children, and take care of his wealth, for taking care of his wealth shows
that you appreciate him, and taking care of his children and servants shows
good management.
`The ninth and tenth of them are: never disclose any of his secrets, and never
disobey any of his orders, for if you disclose any of his secrets you will never
feel safe from his possible betrayal, and if you disobey him, his heart will
be filled with hatred towards you.
`Be careful, O my daughter, of showing joy in front of him when he is upset,
and do not show sorrow in front of him when he is happy, because the former
shows a lack of judgement, whilst the latter will make him unhappy.
`Show him as much honour and respect as you can, and agree with him as much
as you can, so that he will enjoy your companionship and conversation.
`Know, O my daughter, that you will not achieve what you would like to until
you put his pleasure before your own, and his wishes before yours, in whatever
you like and dislike. And may Allah (SWT) choose what is best for you and protect
you.'"38
She was taken to her husband, and the marriage was a great success; she gave
birth to kings who ruled after him.
This advice clearly included everything that one could think of as regards the
good manners that a young girl needs to know about in order to treat her husband
properly and be a suitable companion for him. The words of this wise mother
deserve to be taken as the standard for every young girl who is about to get
married.
If she is rich, the true Muslim woman does not let her wealth and financial
independence make her blind to the importance of respecting her husband's rights
over her. She still takes care of him and honours him, no matter how rich she
is or may become. She knows that she is obliged to show gratitude to Allah for
the blessings He has bestowed upon her, so she increases her charitable giving
for the sake of Allah. The first person to whom she should give generously is
her own husband, if he is poor; in this case she will receive two rewards, one
for taking care of a family member, and another for giving charity, as the Prophet
(PBUH) stated in the hadith narrated by Zaynab al-Thaqafiyyah, the wife of `Abdullah
ibn Mas`ud (RAA):
"The Prophet (PBUH) told us: `O women, give in charity even if it is some of
your jewellery.' She said, `I went back to `Abdullah ibn Mas`ud and told him.
`You are a man of little wealth, and the Prophet (PBUH) has commanded us to
give charity, so go and ask him whether it is permissible for me to give you
charity. If it is, I will do so; if it is not, I will give charity to someone
else.' `Abdullah said, `No, you go and ask.' So I went, and I found a woman
of the Ansar at the Prophet's door, who also had the question. We felt too shy
to go in, out of respect, so Bilal came out and we asked him, `Go and tell the
Messenger of Allah that there are two women at the door asking you: Is it permissible
for them to give sadaqah to their husbands and the orphans in their care? But
do not tell him who we are.' So Bilal went in and conveyed this message to the
Prophet (PBUH), who asked, `Who are they?' Bilal said, `One of the women of
the Ansar, and Zaynab/' The Prophet (PBUH) asked, `Which Zaynab is it?' Bilal
said, `The wife of `Abdullah.' The Prophet (PBUH) said: `They will have two
rewards, the reward for upholdithe relationship, and the reward for giving charity.'"39
According to a report given by Bukhari, he said, "Your husband and your child
are more deserving of your charity."40
The true Muslim woman is always careful to give thanks for Allah's blessings
if her life is easy, and she never loses her patience if she encounters difficulty.
She never forgets the warning that the Prophet (PBUH) issued to women in general,
when he saw that most of the inhabitants of Hell will be women, and so she seeks
refuge with Allah from becoming one of them.
Bukhari and Muslim narrated from Ibn `Abbas (RAA) that the Prophet (PBUH) said:
"O women, give charity, for I have surely seen that you form the majority of
the inhabitants of Hell." They asked, `Why is this so, O Messenger of Allah?"
He said, "Because you curse too much, and are ungrateful for good treatment
(on the part of your husbands)."41
According to another report given by Bukhari, he said, "because they are ungrateful
for good and kind treatment. Even if you treated one of them (these ungrateful
women) well for an entire lifetime, then she saw one fault in you, she would
say, `I have never seen anything good from you!'"42
According to a report given by Ahmad, a man said, "O Messenger of Allah, are
they not our mothers and sisters and wives?" He said, "Of course, but when they
are treated generously they are ungrateful, and when they are tested, they do
not have patience."43
When the true Muslim woman thinks about these sahih hadith which describe the
fate of most women in the Hereafter, she is always on the alert lest she fall
into the sins of ingratitude towards her husband, or frequent cursing, or denying
her husband's good treatment of her, or forgetting to give thanks for times
of ease, or failing to be patient at times of difficulty. In any case, she hastens
to give charity as the Prophet (PBUH) urged all women to do, in the hope that
it may save them from that awful fate which will befall most of those women
who deviate from truth and let trivial matters distract them from remembering
Allah (SWT) and the Last Day, and whose bad qualities will ultimately lead them
into the Fire of Hell. The Muslim woman, on the other hand, sets the highest
example of respect towards one's husband and taking note of his good qualities.
This is the attitude of loyalty that befits the true Muslim woman who respects
her husband's rights and does not ignore his virtues.
Muslim women's history is full of stories which reflect this loyalty and recognition
of the good qualities of the husband. One of these stories is that of Asma'
bint `Umays, who was one of the greatest women in Islam, and one of the first
women to migrate to Madinah. She was married to Ja`far ibn Abi Talib, then to
Abu Bakr al-Siddiq, then to `Ali, may Allah be pleased with them all. On one
occasion, her two sons Muhammad ibn Ja`far and Muhammad ibn Abi Bakr were competing
with one another, each of them saying. "I am better than you, and my father
is better than your father." `Ali said to her, "Judge between them, O Asma'."
She said, "I have never seen a young man among the Arabs who was better than
Ja`far, and I have never seen a mature man who was better than Abu Bakr." `Ali
said, "You have not left anything for me. If you had said anything other than
what you have said, I would have hated you!" Asma' said: "These are the best
three, and you are one of them even if you are the least of them."44
What a clever and eloquent answer this wise woman gave! She gave each of her
three husbands the respect he deserved, and pleased `Ali, even though he was
the least of them, because she included all of them in that group of the best.
She treats his mother and family with kindness and respect
One of the ways in which a wife expresses her respect towards her husband is
by honouring and respecting his mother.
The Muslim woman who truly understands the teachings of her religion knows that
the person who has the greatest right over a man is his mother, as we have seen
in the hadith of `A'ishah (May Allah be pleased with her) quoted above. So she
helps him to honour and respect his mother, by also honouring and respecting
her. In this way she will do herself and her husband a favour, as she will helping
him to do good deeds and fear Allah (SWT), as commanded by the Qur'an. At the
same time, she will endear herself to her husband, who will appreciate her honour
and respect towards his family in general, and towards his mother in particular.
Nothing could please a decent, righteous and respectful man more than seeing
strong ties of love and respect between his wife and his family, and nothing
could be more hateful to a decent man than to see those ties destroyed by the
forces of evil, hatred and conspiracy. The Muslim family which is guided by
faith in Allah (SWT) and follows the pure teachings of Islam is unlikely to
fall into the trap of such jahili behaviour, which usually flourishes in an
environment that is far removed from the true teachings of this religion.
A Muslim wife may find herself being tested by her mother-in-law and other in-laws,
if they are not of good character. If such is the case, she is obliged to treat
them in the best way possible, which requires a great deal of cleverness, courtesy,
diplomacy and repelling evil with that which is better. Thus she will maintain
a balance between her relationship with her in-laws and her relationship with
her husband, and she will protect herself and her marriage from any adverse
effects that may result from the lack of such a balance.
The Muslim woman should never think that she is the only one who is required
to be a good and caring companion to her spouse, and that nothing similar is
required of her husband or that there is nothing wrong with him mistreating
her or failing to fulfil some of the responsibilities of marriage. Islam has
regulated the marital relationship by giving each partner both rights and duties.
The wife's duties of honouring and taking care of her husband are balanced by
the rights that she has over him, which are that he should protect her honour
and dignity from all kinds of mockery, humiliation, trials or oppression. These
rights of the wife comprise the husband's duties towards her: he is obliged
to honour them and fulfil them as completely as possible.
One of the Muslim husband's duties is to fulfil his role of qawwam (maintainer
and protector) properly. This is a role that can only be properly fulfilled
by a man who is a successful leader in his home and family, one who possesses
likeable masculine qualities. Such a man has a noble and worthy attitude, is
tolerant, overlooks minor errors, is in control of his married life, and is
generous without being extravagant. He respects his wife's feelings and makes
her feel that she shares the responsibility of running the household affairs,
bringing up the children, and working with him to build a sound Muslim family,
as Islam wants it to be.
She endears herself to her husband and is keen to please him
The true Muslim woman is always keen to win her husband's love and to please
him. Nothing should spoil his happiness or enjoyment of life. So she speaks
kind words to him, and refrains from saying anything hurtful or upsetting. She
brings him good news, but she keeps bad news from him as much as she can, or
postpones telling it until a more suitable time when it will not upset him so
much. If she finds that she has no alternative but to tell him upsetting news,
she looks for the most suitable way to convey it, so that the blow will not
be so hard on him. This is the wise approach and good conduct of the clever
woman, but it is very difficult to attain and only a very few virtuous women
ever do so.
One of those who did reach this high level was the great Muslim woman Umm Sulaym
bint Milhan, the wife of Abu Talhah al-Ansari. Her son passed away whilst Abu
Talhah was travelling, and her attitude was so unique that if Imam Muslim had
not reported this story we would have taken it to be a mere myth. Let us hear
her son Anas ibn Malik tell the story of his remarkable mother and her unattitude:
"A son of Abu Talhah by Umm Sulaym died. Umm Sulaym told her family, `Do not
tell Abu Talhah about his son until I tell him about it.' Abu Talhah came home,
so she prepared dinner for him, and he ate and drank. Then she beautified herself
in a way that she had never done before, and he had sexual intercourse with
her. When she saw that he was satisfied, she said, `O Abu Talhah, do you think
that if a people lent something to a household, then asked for it back, do they
have the right not to return it?' He said, `No.' She said, `Then resign yourself
to the death of your son.' Abu Talhah became angry and said, `You let me indulge
myself and then you tell me about my son!' He went to the Messenger of Allah
(PBUH) and told him what had happened. The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said, `May
Allah bless both of you for this night!' Umm Sulaym became pregnant. The Messenger
of Allah (PBUH) went on a journey, and she accompanied him. Whenever the Messenger
of Allah (PBUH) came back from a journey, he never entered Madinah at night.
When they (the travelling-party) approached Madinah, her labour-pains started.
Abu Talhah stayed with her, and the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) went on ahead
to Madinah. Abu Talhah said, `O Lord, You know how I love to go out with Your
Messenger when he goes out, and to come back with him when he comes back, and
I have been detained, as You see.' Umm Sulaym said, `O Abu Talhah, I do not
feel as much pain as I did before, so let us go on.' When they reached (Madinah),
her labour-pains started again, and she gave birth to a boy. My mother said
to me, `O Anas, nobody should feed him until you take him to the Messenger of
Allah in the morning.' So when morning came, I took the baby to the Messenger
of Allah (PBUH), and when I met him he was carrying an iron tool. When he saw
me, he said, `I hope that Umm Sulaym has given birth.' I said, `Yes.' So he
put down the tool and I brought the child to him and placed him in his lap.
The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) called for some of the dates of Madinah. He chewed
it until it became soft, then he put it in the baby's mouth and the baby began
to smack his lips. The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said: `See how much the Ansar
love dates!' Then he wiped the baby's face and named him `Abdullah."45
How great was Umm Sulaym's faith, and how magnificent her patience and virtue!
How bravely she hid her pain from her husband and endeared herself to him. She
managed to conceal her grief at the loss of her beloved son and spent that time
with her husband patiently hoping that by being a good wife to her husband she
might earn the pleasure of Allah (SWT). This is true, deep and sincere faith.
Allah (SWT) answered the Prophet's prayer for Umm Sulaym and her husband, and
she became pregnant from that night. When she was heavily pregnant, she saw
her husband Abu Talhah preparing to set out on another military campaign with
the Messenger of Allah (PBUH). She insisted on partaking of the honour of jihad
with him alongside the Messenger of Allah (PBUH), even though she was in the
later stages of pregnancy. Her husband took pity on her because of the difficulties
of the journey and the heat of the desert, but he still asked the Prophet (PBUH)
for permission to let her come with him, and he gave his permission because
he knew her strength of character and love of jihad.
Umm Sulaym was present when the Muslims were triumphant at Makkah, and when
they were sorely tested at Hunayn. She stood firm, as solid as a rock, alongside
her husband and the small group of believers around the Prophet (PBUH), even
though she was pregnant, at that most difficult time when many others had fled,
and she remained there until Allah (SWT) brought victory to the believers.
The mujahid army returned to Madinah, and her labour began. When the pains became
intense, she and her husband stayed behind for a while, but her husband prayed
to his Lord in the still of night becasue he loved to go out and return with
the Prophet (PBUH). Suddenly the pains ceased; she told her husband and they
set out to follow the army that had gone on ahead. They caught up with them,
and after they had entered Madinah, Umm Sulaym's labour pains began anew. She
gave birth to a boy, and his brother on his mother's side, Anas, brought him
to the Prophet (PBUH), who fed him a small amount of dates (tahnik) and named
him `Abdullah. The prayer of the Prophet (PBUH) for this baby was fulfilled,
as among his descendents were ten great scholars.
No doubt Allah (SWT) knew the sincerity of Umm Sulaym's faith, and conveyed
the good news of Paradise to her via His Prophet (PBUH):
"I entered Paradise, and heard footsteps. I said, `Who is this?' and they told
me, `It is al-Ghumaysa', the daughter of Milhan, the mother of Anas ibn Malik.'"46
Another example of the ways in which a wife may endear herself to her husband
is the way in which `A'ishah (May Allah be pleased with her) spoke to the Prophet
(PBUH) when he came back to his wives after he had kept away from them for a
month. He had said, "I will not go in to them for a month," because he was so
angry with them. When twenty-nine days had passed, he came to `A'ishah first.
`A'ishah said to him, `You swore to stay away from us for a month, and only
twenty-nine days have passed; I have been counting them." The Prophet (PBUH)
said, "This month has twenty-nine days." That particular month had only twenty-nine
days.47
`A'ishah's telling the Prophet (PBUH) that she had counted twenty-nine days
was a clear indication of her love towards her husband and of how she had waited,
day by day, hour by hour, for him to come back to her. It shows how she loved
and missed her husband. This approach made her even dearer to him, so when he
came back to his wives, he started with her.
The sincere Muslim woman recognizes her husband's likes and habits, and tries
to accommodate them as much as she can, in the interests of mutual understanding
and marital harmony, and to protect the marriage from the boredom of routine.
This is what every wise and intelligent wife does. It was narrated that the
qadi and faqih Shurayh married a woman from Banu Hanzalah. On their wedding
night, each of them prayed two rak`ahs and asked Allah (SWT) to bless them.
Then the bride turned to Shurayh and said, "I am a stranger, and I do not not
know much about you. Tell me what you like, and I will do it, and tell me what
you do not like so I may avoid it." Shurayh said, "She stayed with me for twenty
years, and I never had to tell her off for anything, except on one occasion,
and I was in the wrong then."
This is the respectful and loving wife as Islam wants her to be, responsible
for her home and loyal to her husband, and always careful to maintain a good
relationship between them. If anything happens to upset their marriage, she
hastens to calm the situation with her sincere love and wise understanding.
She does not listen to the whispering of the Shaytan which calls her to do wrong,
and she never hastens to ask her husband for a divorce. The marriage bond should
be too strong to be undone by temporary arguments or occasional misunderstandings.
The Prophet (PBUH) warned those foolish women who ask their husbands for a divorce
with no legitimate reason that they would be denied even the scent of Paradise:
"Any woman who asks her husband for a divorce with no good reason will be deprived
of even smelling the scent of Paradise."48
She does not disclose his secrets
The chaste Muslim woman does not disclose her husband's secrets, and does not
talk to anyone about whatever secrets and other matters there may be between
him and her. The serious Muslim woman is above that; she would never sink to
the level of such cheap and shameless talk as goes on amongst the lowest type
of people. Her time is too precious to be wasted in such vulgar behaviour. She
would never accept for herself to be counted as one of those people whom the
Prophet (PBUH) described as one of the worst types:
"Among the worst type of people in the sight of Allah (SWT) on the Day of Judgement
is a man who enjoys his w's intimate company, and she enjoys his intimate company,
then one of them goes and discloses the secret of the other."49
Talking about that which is private between a husband and wife is one of the
most abhorrent ways of disclosing secrets. No-one does such a thing but the
worst type of people. There are some secrets the disclosure of which is not
as bad as disclosing this secret, but in any case, telling secrets at all is
disliked and is unacceptable. Keeping secrets in itself is a worthy and virtuous
deed, whilst disclosing them is a serious error and shortcoming, from which
nobody can be immune except the infallible Prophet (PBUH). The disclosure of
a secret that the Prophet (PBUH) had entrusted to Hafsah, who told it to `A'ishah,
led to the plotting and intrigue in his household that caused him to keep away
from his wives for a whole month, because he was so upset with them.50 Concerning
this, the following ayah was revealed:
( When the Prophet disclosed a matter of confidence to one of his consorts,
and she then divulged it [to another], and Allah made it known to him, he confirmed
part thereof and repudiated a part. Then when he told her thereof, she said,
`Who told you this?' He said, `He told me Who knows and is well-acquainted [with
all things].) (Qur'an 66:3)
The two women concerned are then confronted with their error, and called to
repent, so that they might draw closer to Allah (SWT) after having distanced
themselves by their deed, otherwise Allah would be his (the Prophet's) Protector,
and Jibril and the righteous believers would also support him:
( If you two turn in repentance to Him, your hearts are indeed so inclined;
but if you back up each other against him, truly Allah is his Protector, and
Gabriel, and [every] righteous one among those who believe -and furthermore,
the angels -will back [him] up.) (Qur'an 66:4)
Then they are issued with a stern warning and the terrifying prospect that if
they persist in their error, they may lose the honour of being the wives of
the Prophet:
( It may be, if he divorced you [all], that Allah will give him in exchange
Consorts better than you -who submit [their wills], who believe, who are devout,
who turn to Allah in repentance, who worship [in humility], who travel [for
Faith] and fast - previously married or virgins.) (Qur'an 66:5)
This incident presents a valuable lesson to the Muslim woman on the importance
of keeping her husband's secret, and the effect this confidentiality has on
the stability of the individual and the home. One of the greatest blessings
that Allah (SWT) has bestowed on the Muslims in particular, and on mankind in
general, is that he has made the public and private life of His Messenger (PBUH)
like an open book, in which can be read the teachings of this `aqidah and its
practical application in real life. Nothing is secret or hidden: matters and
events that people usually keep secret are discussed openly in the Qur'an and
Sunnah, even unavoidable human weaknesses. All of these issues are presented
in order to teach people right from wrong.
The Sahabah, may Allah (SWT) be pleased with them, understood that the Prophet's
life was entirely devoted to Allah (SWT) and His message, so why should they
keep secret or conceal any aspect of his life? The stories that have been narrated
about his life, his household and his wives represent a practical application
of the words he preached, and for this reason, the Sahabah (may Allah reward
them with all good) transmitted the most precise details of his life, and did
not fail to record any aspect of his daily life, whether it was major or minor.
This is part of the way in which Allah (SWT) caused the life of his Prophet
to be recorded, including details of the precise way in which Islamic teachings
were applied in his life. This is in addition to the Qur'anic references to
the Prophet's life, which form a record that will remain until heaven and earth
pass away.
She stands by him and offers her advice
One of the laws that Allah (SWT) has decreed for this life is that men and women
should work together to cultivate and populate the earth and run the affairs
of life therein. Man cannot do without woman, and vice versa. Hence the laws
of Islam teach men and women to co-operate in all matters. Islam encourages
a man to help his wife, as much as he is able; the Prophet (PBUH), who is the
example for all Muslims, used to help and serve his family until he went out
to pray, as the Mother of the Believers `A'ishah said.51
Just as Islam expects a man to help his wife with housework and running household
affairs, so the woman is also expected to help him in dealing with the outside
world and to play her role in life by offering her opinions and advice, and
supporting him in practical terms.
History tells us that Muslim women engaged in jihad side by side with men, marching
to war with them, bringing water to the thirsty, tending the wounded, setting
broken bones, stemming the flow of blood, encouraging the soldiers, and sometimes
joining in the actual fighting, running back and forth between the swords and
spears, standing firm when some of the brave men had fled. Their courageous
conduct in battle was praised by the Prophet (PBUH), as we have described previously
(see pp. 69-91).
However, women's contribution to public life did not stop on the battlefield;
women also stood side-by-side with men at times of peace, offering their valuable
opinions, soothing their hearts at times of stress and supporting them during
times of hardship.
History has recorded many names of great Muslim men who used to seek and follow
the advice of their wives, foremost among whom is the Prophet himself (PBUH),
who sometimes followed the advice of Khadijah, Umm Salamah, `A'ishah and others
among his wives. `Abdullah ibn al-Zubayr used to follow the advice of his mother
Asma', al-Walid ibn `Abd al-Malik used to follow the advice of his wife Umm
al-Banin bint `Abd al-`Aziz ibn Marwan, and Harun al-Rashid used to follow the
advice of his wife Zubaydah, and there are many other such examples in the history
of Islam.
The true, sincere Muslim woman understands the heavy burden that Islam has placed
on her shoulders, by obliging her to be a good wife to her husband, to surround
him with care and meet his every need, to give him enjoyment, and to renew his
energy so that he may fulfil his mission in life. So she does not withhold her
advice when she sees that he needs it, and she never hesitates to stand by his
side, encouraging him, supporting him and offering advice and consolation.
The first Muslim woman, Khadijah bint Khuwaylid is the best example of a woman
who influenced her husband. The Prophet (PBUH) came to her on the day of the
first Revelation, anxious, trembling and shaking all over. He told her, "Cover
me, cover me!" She hastened to offer her help and support, advising him and
thinking of a practical way of helping him. Bukhari and Muslim report the story
told by `A'ishah of how the Revelation commenced, and the marvellous way in
which Khadijah responded by supporting her husband: "The Revelation started
in the form of a dream that came true, he never saw a dream but it would clearly
come to pass. Then he was made to like seclusion, so he would go and stay alone
in the cave of Hira', praying and worshipping for many nights at a time, before
coming back to his family to collect supplies for another period of seclusion.
Then the truth came suddenly, when he was in the cave of Hira'. The angel came
to him and said `Read!' He said, `I am not a reader.' [The Prophet (PBUH) said:]
`The angel embraced me and squeezed me until I nearly passed out, then released
me, and said, `Read!' I said, `I am not a reader.' The angels embraced me a
second time, squeezed me until I nearly passed out, then released me and said,
`Read!' I said, `I am not a reader.' The angel embraced me a third time and
squeezed me until I nearly passed out, then released me and said:
( Read! In the name of your Lord and Cherisher, who created - created man, out
of a [mere] clot of congealed blood: Read! And your Lord is Most Bountiful -He
Whtaught [the use of] the Pen -taught man that which he knew not.) (Qur'an 96:15)'"
The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) came back to Khadijah, trembling all over, and
said, "Cover me, cover me!". They covered him up until he calmed down, then
he said to Khadijah, "O Khadijah, what is wrong with me?" He told her what had
happened, then said, "I fear for myself." Khadijah said: "No, rather be of good
cheer, for by Allah (SWT), Allah (SWT) would never forsake you. By Allah (SWT),
you uphold the ties of kinship, speak the truth, spend money on the needy, give
money to the penniless, honour your guests and help those beset by difficulties.
She took him to Waraqah ibn Nawfal ibn Asad ibn `Abd al-`Uzza, who was her cousin,
the son of her father's brother. He was a man who had become a Christian during
the time of jahiliyyah; he could write the Arabic script and he had written
as much of the Gospel in Arabic as Allah (SWT) willed. He was an old man who
had become blind. Khadijah said to him, "O Uncle, listen to your nephew." Waraqah
ibn Nawfal said, "O son of my brother, what has happened?" The Messenger of
Allah (PBUH) told him what had happened, and Waraqah said to him, "This is al-Namus
(i.e., Jibril), who was sent down to Musa, upon whom be peace. I wish that I
were a young man, and could be alive when your people cast you out." The Messenger
of Allah (PBUH) asked, "Will they really cast me out?" Waraqah said, "Yes. No
man has ever come with what you have brought, but his people were hostile towards
him. If I live to see that day I will give you all the support I can."52
This report is strong evidence of Khadijah's wifely perfection, wisdom, strength
of character, steadfastness, understanding and deep insight. She knew the Prophet's
outstanding character, good conduct and purity of heart, and this made her certain
that Allah (SWT) would never forsake a man such as Muhammad (PBUH) or permit
any bad fate to befall him. She knew that behind this remarkable new event that
had overwhelmed the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) lay something great that Allah
(SWT) had prepared for His Messenger, so she spoke her kind and sweet words
of encouragement, filling him with confidence, tranquillity and firm conviction:
"Be of good cheer, O cousin, and stand firm. By the One in Whose hand is the
soul of Khadijah, I hope that you will be the Prophet of this nation."53 Then
she took him to her cousin Waraqah ibn Nawfal, who had knowledge of the Torah
and Gospel, and told him what had happened to the Prophet.
The first Mother of the Believers, Khadijah (May Allah be pleased with her),
was a sincere adviser in the way of Islam to the Prophet (PBUH). She had already
earned the great status and lasting fame of being the first person to believe
in Allah (SWT) and His Messenger, and she stood beside her husband the Prophet
(PBUH), supporting him and helping him to bear the worst oppression and persecution
that he faced at the beginning of his mission; she endured along with him every
hardship and difficulty that he was confronted with.
Ibn Hisham says in his Sirah: "Khadijah had faith, and believed in what he brought
from Allah (SWT). In this way, Allah (SWT) helped His Prophet (PBUH). Whenever
he heard any hateful words of rejection or disbelief that upset him, Allah (SWT)
would cause his spirits to be lifted when he came back to her. She encouraged
him to be patient, believed in him, and made it easier for him to bear whatever
the people said or did. May Allah have mercy on her."54
She was a woman who always spoke the truth, and carried this burden sincerely.
It is no surprise that she earned the pleasure of Allah (SWT) and deserved to
be honoured by Him, so He conveyed the greeting of salam to her through His
Messengers Jibril and Muhammad (PBUH), and gave her glad tidings of a house
in Paradise, as is stated in the hadith narrated by Abu Hurayrah:
"Jibril came to the Prophet (PBUH) and said: `O Messenger of Allah, Khadijah
is coming to you with vessels containing food and drink. When she comes to you,
convey to her the greeting of salam from her Lord and from me, and give her
the glad tidings of a house of pearls in Paradise, in which there is no noise
or hard work."55
The true Muslim woman puts her mind to good work, thinks hard and gives advice
to her husband at times when he may be most in need of advice. By doing so,
she does a great favour for her husband, and this is one of the ways in which
she may treat him well.
Another of these great stories which feature correct advice given by a woman
is the reaction of the Muslims to the treaty of al-Hudaybiyah, and Umm Salamah's
reaction, which demonstrated her deep insight and great wisdom.
Umm Salamah (May Allah be pleased with her) was one of those who were with the
Prophet (PBUH) when he went to Makkah to perform `Umrah in 6 AH. This is the
journey which was interrupted by Quraysh, who prevented the Prophet (PBUH) and
his Companions from reaching the Ka`bah. The treaty of al-Hudaybiyah was drawn
up between the Prophet (PBUH) and Quraysh. This was a peace-treaty which was
intended to put an end to the fighting for ten years; it was also agreed that
if anyone from Quraysh came to Muhammad without the permission of his guardian,
he would be returned, but if any of the Muslims came to Quraysh, he would not
be returned, and that the Muslims would go back that year without entering Makkah,
etc.
By virtue of his deep understanding that was derived from the guidance of Allah
(SWT), the Prophet (PBUH) understood that this treaty, which appeared to be
quite unfair to the Muslims, was in fact something good and represented a great
victory for Islam and the Muslims.
The Sahabah, however, were dismayed when they learned the content of the treaty.
They saw it as unfair and unjust, especially as they had the upper hand at that
time. `Umar ibn al-Khattab expressed the angry feelings of the Sahabah when
he went to Abu Bakr and asked him: "Is he not the Messenger of Allah?" Abu Bakr
said, "Of course." "Are we not Muslims?" "Yes." "Are they not mushrikin?" "Yes."
"Why should we accept this deal which is so humiliating to our religion?" Abu
Bakr warned him, "O `Umar, follow his orders. I bear witness that he is the
Messenger of Allah." Umar said, "And I bear witness that he is the Messenger
of Allah." Then `Umar went to the Messenger of Allah (PBUH), and asked him questions
similar to those he had asked Abu Bakr. But when he asked, "Why should we accept
this deal which is so humiliating to our religion?" the Prophet (PBUH) replied,
"I am the servant of Allah (SWT) and His Messenger; I will never disobey His
command, and He will never forsake me."56
Then `Umar realized that his haste to oppose the treaty was a mistake. He used
to say, "I kept giving charity, fasting, praying and freeing slaves because
of what I had done and said on that day, until I hoped that ultimately it would
be good for me (because it made me perform so many good deeds)."57
When the Prophet (PBUH) had ratified the treaty, he commanded his Companions
to get up, slaughter their sacrificial animals, and shave their heads, but none
of them got up58. He told them three times to do this, but not one of them responded.
He went to his wife Umm
Salamah, and told her what he was facing from the people. At this point the
wisdom and intelligence of Umm Salamah become quite clear: she told him, "O
Messenger of Allah, go out and do not speak to any of them until you have sacrificed
your animal and shaved your head."
The Prophet (PBUH) took her advice, and did as she suggested. When the Sahabah
saw that, they rushed to sacrifice their animals, pushing one another aside,
and some of them began to shave one another's heads, until they were almost
fighting with one another because of their distress and grief, and their regret
for having disobeyed the Prophet.59
After that, the Muslims came back to their senses, and they understood the Prophet's
great wisdom in agreeing to this treaty, which in fact was a manifest victory,
because many more people entered Islam after it than had before. In Sahih Muslim
it states that the ayah,
( Verily We have granted you a manifest Victory) (Qur'an 48:1) referred to the
treaty of al-Hudaybiyah. The Prophet (PBUH) sent for `Umar and recited this
ayah to him. `Umar said, "O Messenger of Allah, it is really a victory?" He
said, "Yes," so then `Umar felt at peace.60
She encourages her husband to spend for the sake of Allah (SWT)
Another way in which the true Muslim woman supports her husband is by encouraging
him to spend and give charity for the sake of Allah (SWT), and not to waste
money in extravagance and ostentatious purchases, as we see so many ignorant
and misguided women doing.
The alert Muslim woman always wants goodness and success for her husband, so
she urges him to do good deeds, and to do more of them, because she believes
that by doing this, she will increase her honour in this world and her reward
in the next.
One of the beautiful stories narrated about a woman's encouraging her husband
to spend for the sake of Allah (SWT) is the story of Umm al-Dahdah. When her
husband came to her and told her that he had given in charity the garden in
which she and her children used to live, in hopes of receiving a bunch of dates61
in Paradise, she said, "You have got a good deal, you have got a good deal."
The Prophet (PBUH) commented, "How many bunches of dates Abu'l-Dahdah will have
in Paradise!" and he repeated this several times.62
She helps him to obey Allah (SWT)
One of the qualities of the good Muslim wife is that she helps her husband to
obey Allah (SWT) in different ways, especially to stay up and pray at night
(qiyam al-layl). By doing this, she does him an immense favour, because she
reminds him to do something he might otherwise forget or neglect. Thus she causes
him, and herself, to be covered by the mercy of Allah.
What a beautiful picture the Prophet (PBUH) drew of the married couple helping
one another to obey Allah (SWT) and do good deeds, and entering into the mercy
of Allah (SWT) together. This comes in the hadith narrated by Abu Hurayrah (RAA),
who said:
"The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said: `May Allah have mercy on the man who gets
up at night to pray and wakes up his wife to pray, and if she refuses, he sprinkles
water in her face. And may Allah have mercy on the woman who gets up at night
to pray, and wakes her husband up to pray, and if he refuses, she sprinkles
water in his face."63
She fills his heart with joy
The clever and sensitive Muslim woman does not forget that one of the greatest
deeds she can do in life, after worshipping Allah (SWT), is to be successful
in endearing herself to her husband and filling his heart with joy, so that
he will feel in the depths of his heart that he is happy to be married to her,
and enjoys living with her and being in her company. So she uses her intelligence
to find ways and means of opening his heart and filling it with joy and happiness,
so that she may become the queen of his heart.
She understands that she is the greatest joy of a man in this world, as is stated
in the hadith narrated by `Abdullah ibn `Amr ibn al-`As (RAA), in which the
Prophet (PBUH) said:
"This world is nothing but temporary conveniences, and the greatest joy in this
world is a righteous woman."64
She does not forget that she is the greatest joy in this life for a man, if
she knows how to endear herself to him. If she does not know how to endear herself
to him then in most cases she will be a source of unhappiness and misery to
her husband, as was confirmed by the Prophet (PBUH):
"Three things make the son of Adam happy, and three make him miserable. Among
the things that make the son of Adam happy are a good wife, a good home and
a good means of transport; the things that make him miserable are a bad wife,
a bad home and a bad means of transport."65
Hence being a good wife, and endearing oneself to one's husband, are a part
of religion, because this offers protection to a man by helping him to remain
chaste, and strengthens the foundations of the family, thus bringing happiness
to her husband and children.
The Muslim woman by nature likes to endear herself to her husband; in doing
so she finds a way of fulfilling her femininity and her inclinations to make
herself attractive. But for the Muslim woman, the matter goes even further:
in seeking to win her husband's heart, she is also seeking to earn the pleasure
of Allah (SWT), Who has made being a good wife a part of religion, about which
she will be questioned in the Hereafter. So she does not spare any effort in
her loving treatment of her husband: she presents a pleasing appearance, speaks
pleasantly and kindly, and is a clever and likeable companion.
She makes herself beautiful for him
She makes herself beautiful for her husband by means of make-up, clothing, etc.,
so that she will appear more beautiful and attractive, and thus make her husband
happy. This was the practice of the righteous women of the salaf, who used to
devote their time to worshipping Allah and reading Qur'an. Foremost among them
were `A'ishah (May Allah be pleased with her) and others; they used to wear
fine clothes and jewellery at home and when they were travelling, in order to
make themselves look beautiful for their husbands.
Bakrah bint `Uqbah came to `A'ishah (May Allah be pleased with her) and asked
her about henna. `A'ishah said, "It comes from a good tree and pure water."
She asked her about removing body hair, and she said, "If you have a husband,
and you could remove your eyes and replace them with something better, then
do it."66
Let those careless women who neglect their appearance in front of their husbands
listen to the advice of `A'ishah, and realize that their beauty should be primarily
for their husbands, not for their friends and peers. Those women who are failing
to make themselves beautiful for their husbands are sinners, because they are
falling short in one of the greatest duties of marriage. Their negligence may
be the cause of their husbands staying away from them and looking at other women.
The wife whose husband only ever sees her with unkempt hair, looking pale and
wan and wearing shabby old clothes, is a foolish and disobedient wife. It will
be of no help to her if she rushes to beautify herself only when receiving guests,
or going to a women's party, but remains looking shabby most of the time in
front of her husband. I think that the Muslim woman who is truly guided by the
teachings of Islam will be safe from such shortcomings, because she treats her
husband properly, and a woman who treats her husband properly is most unlikely
to fail in fulfilling her duty towards him.
It is one of the teachings of Islam that a woman should make herself look beautiful
for her husband, so that her husband should only ever see of her that which
he likes. So it is forbidden for a woman to dress in mourning for more than
three days, except in the case of her husband's death, when she is permitted
to mourn for four months and ten days. We find proof of this in the hadith narrated
by Bukhari from Zaynab the daughter of Umm Salamah, who said, "I came to Zaynab
bint Jahsh, the wife of the Prophet (PBUH) when her brother died. She called
for perfume and applied it to herself, then said, "I am not wearing perfume
because I need to, but because I heard the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) say from
the minbar:
"It is not permitted for a woman who believes in Allah (SWT) and the Last Day
to grieve for more than three days, except for her husband, (for whom she may
grieve) four months and ten days."67
She is cheerful and grateful when she meets him
One of the ways in which the Muslim woman makes herself attractive to her husband
is by being happy, cheerful, friendly and gentle, thus flooding her husband's
life with joy. When he comes home exhausted from his work, she greets him with
a smiling face and kind words. She puts her own concerns to one side for a while,
and helps him to forget some of his worries. She appears as cheerful and serene
as she can, and expresses her gratitude to him every time he does something
good for her.
The true Muslim woman is fair-minded, and is never ungrateful to any person,
because thteachings of her religion protect her from falling into the error
of bad behaviour and ingratitude for favours. How then could she be ungrateful
to her husband, her beloved lifelong companion? She knows well the teaching
of the Prophet (PBUH):
"He does not thank Allah who does not thank people."68
She understands from this that every person who does good deeds and favours
deserves thanks and recognition, so how could she hesitate or fail to show gratitude
to her husband, especially when she hears the words of the Prophet (PBUH):
"Allah (SWT) will not look at the woman who does not thank her husband at the
time when she cannot do without him."69
She shares his joys and sorrows
Another of the ways in which a woman may endear herself to her husband is by
sharing his joys and sorrows. So she joins him in some of his pastimes, and
his daily work, such as reading, exercise, and attending useful talks and gatherings,
and so on, so that her husband will feel that he is not alone in his enjoyment
of the good things in life, but that he is sharing these pleasures with a loving,
intelligent and loyal wife.
The fact that the Prophet (PBUH) raced with `A'ishah more than once indicates
the fact that Islam urges both spouses to share their partner's joy and happiness
in life, because this sharing will have a powerful effect in deepening their
feelings for one another and strengthening the bonds between them.
Just as she shares his joys, so she also shares his worries and concerns, and
comes to him with kind words of consolation, mature and sensible advice and
sincere emotional support.
She does not look at other men
The true Muslim woman avoids looking at men other than her husband; she does
not stare at men who are not related to her (i.e. who are not her mahrams),
in obedience to the command of Allah (SWT):
( And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze . . .) (Qur'an
24:31).
By refraining from looking at other men, she will be one of those chaste women
who restrain their glances, which is a quality men like in women, because it
is indicative of their purity, decency and fidelity. This is one of the most
beautiful characteristics of the chaste, decent, pure Muslim woman, and this
was referred to in the Qur'an when it speaks of the women of Paradise and their
qualities that are loved by men:
( In them will be [Maidens] chaste, restraining their glances, whom no man or
jinn before them has touched.) (Qur'an 55:56)
She does not describe other women to him
Another of the characteristics of the intelligent Muslim woman is that she does
not describe any of her (female) friends or acquaintances to him, because this
is forbidden according to the words of the Prophet (PBUH):
"No woman should talk about another woman, or describe her to her husband (so
that it is) as if he sees her."70
Islam wants people's hearts to be at peace, and to put a stop to provocative
thoughts and overactive imaginations, so that people may live their lives in
a decent and calm fashion, free from such thoughts and able to go about the
tasks and duties for which they were created. No man should let his mind be
occupied with cheap thoughts of the contrast between his wife and the woman
she describes, or let himself become crazy with the embellishments his own imagination
may add to the woman's supposed beauty. He should not let such foolish talk
stop him from going about his work and usual pastimes, or lead him to temptation
and make him go astray.
She tries to create an atmosphere of peace and tranquility for him
The Muslim woman does not only make herself beautiful for her husband and share
his work and pastimes, but she also tries to create an atmosphere of peace and
tranquillity in the home. So she tries to keep a clean and tidy home, in which
he will see order and good taste, and clean, well-mannered, polite children,
and where good meals are prepared regularly. The clever woman also does whatever
else she can based on her knowledge and good taste. All of this is part of being
a good Muslim wife as enjoined by Islam.
The true Muslim woman does not forget that according to Islam marriage is one
of the signs of Allah (SWT). Islam has made the wife a source of tranquillity,
rest and consolation for her husband:
( And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves,
that you may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy
between your [hearts] . . .) (Qur'an 30:21)
Marriage is the deepest of bonds which Allah (SWT) ties between one soul and
another, so that they may enjoy peace, tranquillity, stability and permitted
pleasures. The wife is a source of refuge, security and rest for her husband
in a marital home that is filled with sincere love and compassionate mercy.
The truly-guided Muslim woman is the best one to understand this lofty meaning
and to translate it into a pleasant and cheerful reality.
She is tolerant and forgiving
The Muslim woman is tolerant and forgiving, overlooking any errors on the part
of her husband. She does not bear a grudge against him for such errors or remind
him about them every so often. There is no quality that will endear her to her
husband like the quality of tolerance and forgiveness, and there is nothing
that will turn her husband against her like resentment, counting faults and
reminding him about his mistakes.
The Muslim woman who is following the guidance of Islam obeys the command of
Allah (SWT):
( . . . Let them forgive and overlook, do you not wish that Allah should forgive
you? . . .) (Qur'an 24:22)
Such a woman deserves to be the queen of her husband's heart and to fill his
soul with joy and happiness.
She is strong in character and wise
Among the most prominent characteristics of the Muslim woman are her strength
of character, mature way of thinking, and serious conduct. These are qualities
which the Muslim woman possesses both before and after marriage, because they
are the result of her understanding of Islam and her awareness of her mission
in life.
She exhibits this strength of character when she is choosing a husband. She
does not give way to her father's whims if he has deviated from the right way
and is seeking to force her into a marriage that she does not want. Neither
does she give in to the man who comes to seek her hand in marriage, no matter
how rich or powerful he may be, if he does not have the qualities of a true
Muslim husband.
After marriage, her character remains strong, even though she is distinguished
by her easy-going nature, mild-tempered behaviour and loving obedience to her
husband. Her strength of character comes to the fore especially when she has
to take a stand in matters concerning her religion and `aqidah, as we have seen
in some of the narratives referred to previously, such as Umm Sulaym bint Milhan,
who insisted on adhering to Islam along with her son Anas, although her husband
Malik ibn al-Nadar remained a mushrik, opposed to his wife being Muslim (see
p. 166-168); and Umm Habibah bint Abi Sufyan who remained steadfast in her Islam
when her husband `Ubayd-Allah ibn Jahsh al-Asadi became an apostate and joined
the religion of the Abyssinians (see p. 98101); and Barirah who was determined
to separate from her husband whom she did not love, even though the Prophet
(PBUH) tried to intervene on his behalf (see p. 162-163); and the wife of Thabit
ibn Qays ibn Shammas, who demanded a divorce from her husband whom she did not
love either, and the Prophet (PBUH) accepted her request (see p. 162).
The primary motive of these women in taking up such a strong stance was their
concern to adhere to Islam, to keep their belief (`aqidah) pure, and ultimately
to please Allah (SWT).
Each of them was seeking that which is halal in her married life, and feared
committing any haram deed, either because she was married to a man who did not
share her religious beliefs, or she was falling short in her duties towards
a husband whom she did not love or could not live with. If it were not for their
strength of character and feelings of pride in themselves and their faith, they
would have followed the commands of theimisguided husbands and would have found
themselves going astray, choking on the misery of living with a husband they
could not truly accept. The courage of these women shows how the true Muslim
women should be, no matter where or when she lives.
But the Muslim woman's strength of character should not make her forget that
she is required to obey her husband, treating him with honour and respect. Her
strength of character should make her strike a wise balance in the way she speaks
and acts towards him, with no inconsistency or carelessness. Even in those moments
of anger which are unavoidable in a marriage, she should control herself and
restrain her tongue, lest she say anything that could hurt her husband's feelings.
This is the quality of a strong, balanced character.
`A'ishah (May Allah be pleased with her) represents the highest example of this
good quality, and every Muslim woman should follow her example. The way in which
she swore an oath when she was happy with her husband, the Prophet (PBUH), was
different from the way she spoke when she was upset with him. This is an example
of good manners and respect. It was something that the Prophet (PBUH) noticed,
as she narrated that he said:
"I know when you are happy with me and when you are upset with me." She said,
"How do you know that?" He said, "When you are happy with me, you say, `No,
by the Lord of Muhammad,' and when you are upset with me, you say, `No, by the
Lord of Ibrahim.'" She said, "Yes, that is right. By Allah (SWT), O Messenger
of Allah, I only keep away from your name."71
What refined manners and sincere love!
`A'ishah's strength of character became even more prominent when she was tried
with the slander (al-ifk) which Allah (SWT) made a test for His Messenger (PBUH)
and for all the ummah, raising the status of some and lowering that of others,
increasing the faith of those who were guided and increasing the loss of those
who went astray.
Her strength of character and deep faith in Allah (SWT) became apparent, and
her trust in Him alone to prove her innocence was quite clear. I can find no
more beautiful description of the deep and sincere faith of `A'ishah and her
trust in the justice of Allah (SWT), than that given by Ibn Qayyim al-Jawziyyah,
who said:
"The test was so severe that the Revelation ceased for a month because of it,
and nothing at all concerning this issue was revealed to the Messenger of Allah
(PBUH) during that time, so that the wisdom behind what had happened might become
completely apparent and the sincere believers might be increased in faith and
adherence to justice and might think well of Allah (SWT), His Messenger, the
Messenger's family and those believers who spoke the truth. The munafiqin, meanwhile,
would be increased only in sins and hypocrisy, and their true nature would be
exposed to the Prophet (PBUH) and the believers. `A'ishah, the one who had spoken
the truth, and her parents would be shown to be true servants of Allah (SWT)
who had received His full blessing. Their needs for Allah (SWT) and desire to
draw closer to Him would increase; they would feel humble before Him and would
put their hope and trust in Him, instead of hoping for the support of other
people. `A'ishah would despair of receiving help from any created being, and
she passed this most difficult test when her father said, `Get up and thank
him,' after Allah (SWT) had sent down a Revelation confirming her innocence.
She said, `By Allah (SWT), I will not get up and thank him; I will only give
thanks to Allah (SWT) Who has revealed my innocence.'
"Another aspect of the wisdom behind the Revelation being suspended for a month
was that people would focus solely on this issue and examine it closely; the
believers would wait with eager anticipation to hear what Allah (SWT) would
reveal to His Messenger concerning this matter. The Revelation came like rain
on parched land, when it was most needed by the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) and
his family, by Abu Bakr and his family, by the Sahabah and by the believers,
and it brought them great relief and joy. If Allah (SWT) had revealed the truth
of the matter from the first instant, then the wisdom behind this event would
have been obscured and a great lesson would have been lost.
"Allah (SWT) wanted to demonstrate the status of His Prophet and his family
in His sight, and the honour which He had bestowed upon them. He Himself was
to defend His Messenger and rebuke his enemies, in such a way that the Prophet
(PBUH) had nothing to do with it. Allah (SWT) alone would avenge His Prophet
and his family.
"The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) was the target of this slander, and the one who
was accused was his wife. It was not appropriate for him to declare her innocence,
although he knew that she was indeed innocent, and never thought otherwise.
When he asked people to avenge him of those who had spread the slander, he said:
`Who could blame me if I were to punish those who slandered my family? By Allah
(SWT), I have never known anything but good from my family, and they have told
me about a man from whom I have never known anything but good, and he never
came in my house except with me.' He had more proof than the believers did of
`A'ishah's innocence, but because of his high level of patience, perseverance
and deep trust in Allah (SWT), he acted in the appropriate manner until the
Revelation came that made his heart rejoice and raised his status, showing to
his ummah that Allah (SWT) was taking care of him.
"Whoever examines `A'ishah's response, when her father told her to get up and
thank the Messenger of Allah, and she said, `No, I will give thanks only to
Allah (SWT),' will realize the extent of her knowledge and the depth of her
faith. She attributed this blessing to Allah (SWT) alone, and gave thanks only
to Him. She had a sound grasp of Tawhid, and demonstrated great strength of
character and confidence in her innocence. She was not curious or anxious about
the outcome when she spoke thus, because she was sure that she had done nothing
wrong. Because of her faith in the Prophet's love for her, she said what she
said. She became even dearer to him when she said, `I will not give thanks except
to Allah (SWT), for He is the One Who has revealed my innocence.' She displayed
remarkable maturity and steadfastness when her dearly beloved husband, whom
she could not bear to be apart from, kept away from her for a month; then when
the matter was resolved and he wished to come back to her, she did not rush
to him, despite her great love for him. This is the highest level of steadfastness
and strength of character."72
It is indeed the highest level of maturity and strength of character. The true
Muslim woman is humble, kind, loving and obedient towards her husband, but she
does not allow her character to weaken before him, even if he is the most beloved
of all people towards her, and the most noble and honourable of all human beings,
so long as she is in the right and is adhering to the way of Allah (SWT). `A'ishah
(May Allah be pleased with her) set the highest example of the strength of character
of the Muslim woman who is proud of her religion and understands what it is
to be a true servant of Allah (SWT) alone.
The Muslim woman should interpret `A'ishah's attitude as an attitude of superiority
or arrogance, pushing her husband away. We have already explained the duties
of the Muslim woman towards her husband i.e., obedience, loving kindness and
seeking to please him, in accordance with Islamic teachings. What we learn from
the attitude of `A'ishah (May Allah be pleased with her) is the esteem and honour
with which Islam regards woman, so long as she adheres to the laws and teachings
of Islam. This is what gives her character strength, pride, honour and wisdom.
Islam gives women rights and recognition which are envied by Western women when
they hear about women's rights in Islam (see p. 92), This has been freely admitted
by women's liberation activists in Arab countries, as we have seen (see p. 58).
Many of them have retracted their claims that Muslim women need to be liberated;
one such activist is Dr. NEl-Saadawi, who was interviewed for the Kuwaiti newspaper
al-Watan (mid-August 1989).
Dr. El-Saadawi was asked, "Do you think that the European women are an example
to be copied?" She replied, "No, not at all. European women have advanced in
some fields, but are backward in others. The marriage laws in Europe oppress
women, and this is what led to the development of women's liberation movements
in those countries and in America, where this movement is very strong and is
even at times quite vicious."
Then she remarked: "Our Islamic religion has given women more rights than any
other religion has, and has guaranteed her honour and pride, but what has happened
is that men have sometimes used certain aspects of this religion to create a
patriarchal class system in which males dominate females."
Clearly this patriarchal oppression mentioned by Dr. El Saadawi, which has led
to the oppression of women, has been caused by ignorance of the true teachings
of Islam.
She is one of the most successful wives
This discussion of the intellectual, psychological and other qualities of the
smart Muslim wife demonstrates that she is a successful wife, if not the most
successful wife and the greatest blessing and good fortune that a man may enjoy.
By virtue of her understanding of Islamic teaching, and her fulfilling her duties
towards her husband, she becomes the greatest joy of her husband's life: when
he comes home, she greets him with a warm and friendly smile, speaking kindly
and sweetly, looking attractive and smart, with a clean and tidy house, pleasant
conversation, and a table full of good food, pleasing him and making him happy.
She is obedient, kind and loving towards her husband, ever eager to please him.
She does not disclose his secrets or upset his plans. She stands beside him
at times of hardship, offering her support and wise advice. She shares his joys
and sorrows. She endears herself to him by the way she looks and behaves, and
fills his life with joy and happiness. She encourages him to obey Allah (SWT)
in different ways, and motivates him by joining him in different activities.
She respects his mother and family. She refrains from looking at other men.
She keeps away from foolish and worthless talk. She is keen to provide an atmosphere
of peace, tranquillity and stability for her husband and children. She is strong
of character without being rude or aggressive, and is kind and gentle without
being weak. She earns the respect of those who speak to her. She is tolerant
and forgiving, overlooking errors and never bearing grudges.
Thus the Muslim wife deserves to be the most successful wife. She is the greatest
blessing that Allah (SWT) may bestow upon a man, and an incomparable source
of joy in this life. The Prophet (PBUH) indeed spoke the truth when he said:
"This world is nothing but temporary conveniences, and the greatest joy in this
world is a righteous woman."73
Footnotes:
1. Sahih Muslim 10/56, Kitab al-rida', bab istihbab nikah al-bikr.
2. See Fath al-Bari, 9/194, Kitab al-nikah, bab ikrah al-bint 'ala al-zawaj;
Ibn Majah, 1/602, Kitab al-nikah, bab man zawwaja ibnatahu wa hiya karihah;
al-Mabsut 5/2.
3. Fath al-Bari, 9/395, Kitab al-talaq, bab al-khul'.
4. Fath al-Bari, 9/408, Kitab al-talaq, bab shafa'at al-Nabi (r) fi zawj Barirah.
5. A hasan hadith narrated by Tirmidhi, 2/274, Abwab al-nikah, 3; and by Ibn
Majah, 1/633, Kitab al-nikah, bab al-akfa'.
6. Reported by al-Nisa'i with a sahih isnad, 6/114, Kitab al-nikah, bab al-tazwij
'ala'l-Islam.
7. Fath al-Bari, 7/476, Kitab al-maghazi, bab ghazwat Khaybar.
8. See Fath al-Bari, 7/71, Kitab fada'il al-Sahabah, bab manaqib 'Ali ibn Abi
Talib; Sahih Muslim, 17/45, Kitab al-dhikr wa'l-du'a', bab al-tasbih awwal al-nahar
wa 'ind al-nawm.
9. See Fath al-Bari, 9/319, Kitab al-nikah, bab al-ghirah.
10. Reported by Ahmad and al-Bazzar; the men of its isnad are rijal al-sahih.
See Majma' al-Zawa'id, 9/4, Bab haqq al-zawj 'ala'l-mar'ah.
11. A hasan sahih hadith, narrated by Tirmidhi, 2/314, in Abwab a-rida', 10.
12. Reported by al-Bazzar with a hasan isnad. See Majma' al-Zawa'id, 4/308,
Bab haqq al-zawj 'ala'l-mar'ah.
13. Reported by Ahmad and al-Nisa'i with jayyid isnads, and by al-Hakim, who
said that its isnad was sahih. See al-Mundhiri, Al-Targhib wa'l-Tarhib, 3/52,
Kitab al-nikah.
14. Reported by Ahmad and al-Tabarani; its narrators are thiqat. See Majma'
al-Zawa'id, 4/306, Bab haqq al-zawj 'ala'l-mar'ah.
15. Ibn Majah, 1/595, Kitab al-nikah, bab haqq al-zawj 'ala'l-mar'ah; al-Hakim,
4/173, Kitab al-birr wa'l-silah; he said its isnad is sahih.
16. Reported by al-Tabarani. Its narrators are those whose reports are accepted
as sahih. See Majma' al-Zawa'id, 4/312.
17. Fath al-Bari, 9/294, Kitab al-nikah, bab idha batat al-mar'ah muhajirah
firash zawjiha; Sahih Muslim, 10/8, Kitab al-nikah, bab tahrim imtina' al-mar'ah
min firash zawjiha.
18. Sahih Muslim, 10/7, Kitab al-nikah, bab tahrim imtina' al-mar'ah min firash
zawjiha.
19. A sahih hadith narrated by al-Tabarani in al-Awsat and al-Kabir. See Majma'
al-Zawa'id, 4/296, bab fi man yad'u zawjahu fa ta'talla.
20. Reported by al-Bazzar, whose narrators are rijal al-sahih. See Majma' al-Zawa'id,
4/312.
21. A hasan sahih hadith narrated by Tirmidhi, 2/314, abwab al-rida', 10, and
by Ibn Hibban, Sahih, 9,473, kitab al-nikah.
22. Sahih Muslim, 9/178, Kitab al-nikah, bab nadab man ra'a imra'atan fa waqa'at
fi nafsihi ila an ya'ti imra'atahu.
23. Reported by Ibn Hibban in his Sahih, 12/178, Kitab al-ashribah, 2, fasl
fi'l-ashribah.
24. Reported by al-Hakim, 2/190, Kitab al-nikah; he said its isnad is sahih.
25. Fath al-Bari, 9/295, Kitab al-nikah, bab la ta'dhan al-mar'ah fi bayt zawjiha
li ahad illa bi idhnihi.
26. Sahih Muslim, 7/115, Kitab al-zakah, bab ajr al-khazin wa'l-mar'ah idha
tasaddaqat min bayt zawjaha.
27. Bukhari & Muslim. See Sharh al-Sunnah, 9/327, Kitab al-'iddah, bab nafaqah
al-awlad wa'laqarib.
28. Bukhari & Muslim. See Sharh al-Sunnah, 9/327, Kitab al-imarah wa'l-qada':
bab al-ra'i mas'ul 'an ra'iyatihi.
29. See Sahih Muslim, 16/81, Kitab fada'il al-Sahabah, bab min fada'il nisa'
Quraysh.
30. Tawaf al-ifadah is one of the important rites of Hajj. It is done on the
tenth day of Dhu'l-Hijjah after sacrificing an animal and shaving one's head.
[Translator]
31. Sahih Muslim, 8/99, kitab al-Hajj, bab istihbab al-tib qabl al-ihram.
32. Fath al-Bari, 3/585, Kitab al-Hajj, bab al-tib.
33. Sahih Muslim, 8/100, kitab al-Hajj, bab istihbab al-tib qabl al-ihram.
34. Sahih Muslim, 8/100, kitab al-Hajj, bab istihbab al-tib qabl al-ihram.
35. Sahih Muslim, 3/208, Kitab al-hayd, bab jawaz ghusl al-ha'id ra'as zawjiha
wa tarjiluhu.
36. Fath al-Bari, 1/403, Kitab al-hayd, bab mubashirah al-ha'id; Sahih Muslim,
3/209, Kitab alhayd, bab jawaz ghusl al-ha'id ra'as zawjiha.
37. Reported as sahih by Ibn Hibban, and with a jayyid isnad by al-Bazzar; its
narrators are well-known and are thiqat. See Ibn al-Jawzi, Ahkam al-nisa', p.
311.
38. Jamharah khutab al-'arab, 1/145.
39. Fath al-Bari, 3/328, Kitab al-zakat, bab al-zakat 'ala'l-zawj wa'l-aytam
fi'l-hijr; Sahih Muslim, 7/86, Kitab al-zakat, bab al-zakat 'ala'l-aqarib.
40. Fath al-Bari, 3/325, Kitab al-zakat, bab al-zakat 'ala'l-aqarib.
41. Fath al-Bari, 3/325, Kitab al-zakat, bab al-zakat 'ala'l-aqarib; Sahih Muslim,
2/65, Kitab aliman, bab bayan naqsan al-iman bi naqs al-ta'at.
42. Fath al-Bari, 1/83, Kitab al-iman, bab kufran al-'ashir.
43. Reported by Ahmad, 3/428; its narrators are rijal al-sahih.
44. Al-tabaqat al-kubra, 7/208-209.
45. Sahih Muslim, 16/11, Kitab fada'il al-Sahabah, bab fada'il Umm Sulaym.
46. See Sahih Muslim, 16/11, Kitab fada'il al-Sahabah, bab fada'il Umm Sulaym.
47. From a lengthy hadith narrated by Bukhari and Muslim. See Fath al-Bari,
5/116, Kitab almazalim, bab al-ghurfah wa'l-'aliyyah al-mushrifah; Sahih Muslim,
7/195, Kitab al-siyam, bab bayan an al-shahr yakun tis'an wa 'ishrin.
48. A hasan sahih hadith, reported by Tirmidhi, 2/329, abwab al-talaq, 11; Ibn
Hibban, 9/490, Kitab al-nikah, bab ma'ashirah al-zawjayn.
49. Sahih Muslim, 10/8, Kitab al-nikah, bab tahrim ifsha' sirr al-mar'ah; Al-targhib
wa'l-tarhib, 3/86, Kitab al-nikah, bab al-tarhib min ifsha' al-sirr bayna al-zawjayn.
50. The story of the Prophet's keeping way from his wives is narrated by al-Bukhari,
Muslim and others. See Fath al-Bari, 5/116, kitab almazalim, bab al-ghurfah
wa'l-aliyyah al-mushrifah, and 8/656, kitab al-tafsir, Surat al-Tahrim; Sahih
Muslim, 7/195, Kitab al-siyam, bab bayan an al-shahr yakun tis'an wa 'ishrin.
51. See Fath al-Bari, 2/162, Kitab al-adhan, bab man kana fi hajah ahlihi.
52. Fath al-Bari, 1/23, Kitab bad' al-wahy, bab hadith 'A'ishah awwal ma bada'a
bihi al-wahy; Sahih Muslim, 2/197, Kitab al-iman, bab bad' al-wahy.
53. Al-sirah, 1/254.
54. Ibid., 1/257.
55. Bukhari & Muslim. See Sharh al-Sunnah, 14/155, Kitab fada'il al-Sahabah,
bab manaqib Khadijah.
56. Al-Sirah, 3/331; see also Fath al-Bari, 6/281, Kitab al-jizyah wa'l-mawadi'ah,
bab hadith Sahl ibn Hanif; Sahih Muslim, 12/141, Kitab al-jihad wa'l-siyar,
bab sulh al-Hudaybiyah.
57. Al-Sirah 3/331.
58. The Prophet (r) was telling his Companions to end the state of ihram which
they had entered in order to perform 'Umrah. They had been prevented from entering
Makkah, and were to wait until the following year to perform 'Umrah, but they
did not want to abandon their hope of performing 'Umrah on this occasion. They
did not want to accept the deal that had been struck with the Quraysh, hence
they were reluctant to end their ihram. [Translator]
59. Zad al-Ma'ad, 3:295, al-Tabari, 2/124.
60. Sahih Muslim, 12/141, Kitab al-jihad wa'l-siyar, bab sulh al-Hudaybiyah.
61. See Sahih Muslim, 8/33, Kitab al-jana'iz, bab al-lahd wa nasab al-laban
'ala'l-mayit.
62. Reported by Ahmad and al-Tabarani; its narrators are rijal al-sahih. See
also Majma' al-Zawa'id, 9/324, Kitab al-manaqib, bab ma ja'a fi Abi'l-Dahdah.
63. Reported by Abu Dawud, 2/45, in Kitab al-salah: bab qiyam al-layl, and by
al-Hakim 1/309, Kitab salah al-tatawwu'; he said that it is sahih according
to the consitions of Muslim.
64. Sahih Muslim, 10/56, Kitab al-rida', bab istihbab nikah al-bikr.
65. Reported by Ahmad, 1/168; its narrators are rijal al-sahih.
66. Ibn al-Jawzi, Ahkam al-Nisa', 343.
67. Fath al-Bari, 9/484, Kitab al-talaq, bab ihdad al-mutawafa 'anha zawjuha.
68. Reported by Bukhari in al-Adab al-Mufrad, 1/310, Bab man la yashkur al-nas.
69. Reported by al-Hakim in al-Mustadrak, 2/190, Kitab al-nikah; he said it
is a hadith whose isnad is sahih.
70. See Fath al-Bari, 9/338, Kitab al-nikah, bab tabashir al-mar'ah al-mar'ah
fatana'atha li zawjiha.
71. See Sahih Muslim, 15/203, Kitab fada'il al-Sahabah, bab fada'il Umm al-Mu'minin
'A'ishah.
72. Zad al-Ma'ad, 3/261-264.
73. Sahih Muslim, 10/56, Kitab al-rida', bab istihbab nikah al-bikr.
, and giving charity. Despite that, I always felt something was lacking, and finally I began searching for answers in the seerah of Nabi 
