Sex Education: An Islamic Perspective
Dr. Shahid Athar examines the issues.
“If you tell kids about sex, they’ll do it. If you tell them about
VD, they’ll go out and get it. Incredible as may seem, most oppositions
to sex education in this country are based on the assumption that
knowledge is harmful. But research in this area reveals that ignorance
and unresolved curiosity, not knowledge, are harmful. Our failure to
tell children what they want and need to know is one reason we have the
highest rates of out-of-wedlock teens pregnancy and abortion of any
highly developed country in the world.”
-What Kids Need to Know, Psychology Today, October 1986. Dr. Sol Gordon, Professor Emeritus, Syracuse University, and an expert on sex education
“Say: Are they equal those who know, and those who do not know?” (Quran 39:9).
“Blessed are the women of the Helpers. Their modesty did not stand in
the way of their seeking knowledge about their religion” (Bukhari and
Muslim).
Introduction
Although the Quran has placed so much emphasis on acquiring
knowledge, and in the days of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) Muslim men and
women were never too shy to ask him questions including those related to
private affairs such as sexual life, for Muslim parents of today, sex
is a dirty word. They feel uncomfortable in discussing sex education
with their children, but do not mind the same being taught at their
children’s school by secular or non-Muslim teachers (of even the
opposite sex), by their peers of either sex, and by the media and
television. An average child is exposed to 9000 sexual scenes per year.
These parents should know that sex is not always a dirty word. It is
an important aspect of our life. God Who cares for all the aspects of
our life, and not just the way of worshipping Him, discusses
reproduction, creation, family life, menstruation and even ejaculation
in the Quran. Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), who was sent to us as an example,
discussed many aspects of sexual life including sexual positions with
his Companions.
The main reason Muslim parents do not or cannot discuss sex education
with their children is because of the their cultural upbringing, not
their religious training. They are often brought up in a state of
ignorance in regard to sex issues. As a result, they may not be
comfortable with their own sexuality or its expression. They leave
Islamic education to Islamic Sunday schools and sex education to
American public schools and the media.
What Is Sex Education And Who Should Give It?
Is sex education about knowing the anatomy and physiology of the
human body or about the act of sex or about reproduction and family life
or about prevention of sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted
pregnancy? Is giving sex ed equivalent to permission in engaging in sex?
One sex educator at my son’s school told the parents, “I am not
planning to tell your children whether or not they should engage in sex
or how to do it but in case they decide to do it, they should know how
to prevent sexually transmitted diseases (STD), venereal diseases (VD),
acquired immune deficiency syndrome (AIDS) and pregnancy.”
The problem with this is that at the present time sex ed as taught in
the public schools is incomplete. It does not cover morality associated
with sex, sexual dysfunctions and deviations and the institution of
marriage.
One of the basic questions is, “Do children need sex education?” Do
you teach a baby duck how to swim or just put it in the water and let it
swim? After all, for thousands of years men and women have been having
sex without any formal education. In many traditional civilizations, sex
education starts after marriage and with trial and error. Some couples
learn it faster than others and do it better than others due to
difference in sexual perception and expression of one partner. In my
opinion having a dozen children is not necessarily proof of their love.
An appropriate and healthy sex education is crucial to the fulfilment of
a happy marriage.
With regard to the question who should teach sex ed, I believe
everyone has to play his or her role. Parents have to assume a more
responsible role. A father has a duty to be able to answer his son’s
questions and a mother has the same duty to her daughter. We can hardly
influence the sex ed taught in public schools or by the media, but we
can supplement that with an ethical and moral dimension adding family
love and responsibility. Apart from these players, some role can be
played by Sunday school teachers, the family physician, the
paediatrician and the clergy. Within a family, the older sister has a
duty towards the younger one and the elder brother has a duty towards
younger ones.
Sex Education In American Schools
Sex education is given in every American school, public or private,
from grades 2 to 12. The projected 1990 cost to the nation was $2
billion per year. Teachers are told to give technical aspects of sex ed
without telling the students about moral values or how to make the right
decisions. After describing the male and female anatomy and
reproduction, the main emphasis is on the prevention of venereal
diseases and teenage pregnancy. With the rise of AIDS, the focus is on
‘Safe Sex’ which means having condoms available each time you decide to
have sex with someone you don’t know. With the help of our tax dollars,
about 76 schools in the country have started dispensing free condoms and
contraceptives to those who go to school health clinics. Very soon
there will be vending machines in school hallways where ‘children’ can
get a condom each time they feel like having sex.
The role of parents is minimized by American sex educators and
sometimes ridiculed. In one of the sex ed movies I was made to watch a
film called, “Am I Normal?” as a parent at my son’s school. Whenever the
young boy asks his father a question about sex, the father, shown as a
bum and a slob, shuns him and changes the topic. Finally the boy learns
it from a stranger and then is shown going into a movie theater with his
girlfriend.
Sex education as promoted by some Western educators is devoid of
morality is in many ways unacceptable to our value system. The examples
of the teachings of one such educator are:
a. Nudity in homes (in shower or bedroom) is a good and healthy way
to introduce sexuality to smaller (under 5) children, giving them an
opportunity to ask questions. At the same time, in the same book, he
also states that 75% of all child molestation and incest (500,000 per
year) occur by a close relative (parent, step-parent or another family
member).
b. A child’s playing with genitals of another child is a permissible
‘naive exploration’ and not a reason for scolding or punishment. He is
also aware that boys as young as 12 have raped girls as young as 8. We
don’t know when this ‘naive exploration’ becomes a sex act.
c. Children caught reading dirty magazines should not be made to feel
guilty, but parents should use it as a chance to get some useful points
across to him or her about sexual attitudes, values and sex
exploitation, Like charity, pornography should start at home!
d. If your daughter or son is already sexually active, instead of
telling them to stop, the parent’s moral duty is to protect their health
and career by providing them information and means for contraception
and avoiding VD. Maybe this its true for rebellious teens and their
submissive parents!
Educators like the one referred to above do not believe that giving
sexual information means giving the OK for sex. I just wonder as to why
some folks after being told the shape, colour, smell and taste of a new
fruit, and pleasures derived from eating it, would not like to try it?
These educators say that even if your child does not ask any questions
about sex, parents should initiate the discussion using i.e. a
neighbours pregnancy, a pet’s behaviour, advertisement, popular music or
a TV show. I wonder why these educators are obsessed with loading
children with sexual information whether they want it or not.
The More They Know It – The More They Do It
Sex education in American schools has not helped decrease the
teenager incidence of VD or teenage pregnancy. This is because it has
not changed their sex habits. According to Marion Wright Elderman,
President of the Children’ Defense Fund, in a recent report, out of
every twenty teens, ten are sexually active but only four use
conceptions, two get pregnant and one gives birth. In 1982, a John
Hopkins study found one out of every five 15 year olds, and one in three
16 year olds are sexually active. The incidence increased to 43% in 17
year olds. The Louis Harris poll in 1986 found that 57% of the nations
17 year olds, 46% of 16 year olds, 29% 15 year old were sexually active.
Now it is estimated that about 80% of girls entering college had sexual
intercourse at least once. Going to church does not help either. 1438
teenagers, mostly white, attending conservative evangelical church were
sent questions about their sex life. 26% of 16 year olds, 35% of 17 year
olds, and 43% of 18 year olds said they had sexual intercourse at least
once. 33% that responded also said sex outside of marriage was morally
acceptable.
Hazards of Early Sex
The health hazards of early sex includes sexual trauma, increase in
incidence of cervical cancer, sexually transmitted disease and teenage
pregnancy. We will take up each individually. A variety of injuries are
possible and do happen when sex organs are not ready for sex in terms of
full maturation. Some of these injuries have a long lasting effect.
Cervical cancer has been thought to be related to sex at an early age
and with multiple partners. Dr. Nelson and his associates in their
article on epidemiology of cervical cancer call it a sexually
transmitted disease,
Teenage pregnancy
About one million or more teenage girls become pregnant every year,
at a rate of 3000 per day, 80% of whom are unmarried. Out of this I
million, about 500,000, decide to keep their baby, and 450,000 are
aborted. 100,000 decide to deliver and give the baby up for adoption. In
1950 the incidence of birth from unmarried teenagers was only 13.9%,
but in 1985 it increased to 59%. It is a myth that teenage pregnancy is a
problem of the black and poor. To the contrary 2/3 teens getting
pregnant now are white, suburban and above the poverty income level. The
pregnancy rate (without marriage) in 54,000 enlisted Navy women is 40%
as compared to 17% in the general population.
What is the life of those who have teenage pregnancy? Only 50%
complete high school and more than 50% of them are on welfare. They
themselves become child abusers and their children, when grown up, have
82% incidence of teenage pregnancy. 8.6 billion dollars are spent every
year for the financial and health care support of teenage mothers., The
sexual revolution of the 60′s has affected another dimension of health
care. In 1985 alone, 10 million cases of chlamydia, 2 million cases of
gonorrhoea, I million venereal warts, 0.5 million genital herpes and
90,000 syphilis were diagnosed. The plague of AIDS is adding a new twist
to our fears. 200,000 cases have been diagnosed in the US alone, out of
which 50% have already died. The disease is growing at a rate of one
case every 14 minutes and so far there is no effective treatment. Father
Bruce Ritter in New York, who operates shelters for runaway children,
says the biggest threat to the nation’s 1 million runaways is the threat
of AIDS now.
Why do children get involved in sex?
There are many reasons why children get involved in sex. The most
common is peer pressure. Their common response is “since everybody is
doing it.” One of the reasons is their desire for sexual competence with
adults and a way to get ahead. Another common reason is their lack of
self-esteem which they want to improve by becoming a father or mother.
Sometimes it is due to a lack of other alternatives to divert their
sexual energies. It could also be due to a lack of love and appreciation
at home. Detachment from home can lead to attachment elsewhere. Sexual
pressure on them is everywhere, at school from their peers, from the TV
where about 20,000 sexual scenes are broadcasted in advertisement, soap
operas, prime time shows and MTV. Music affects our sexual mood. It does
so by activating melatonin, the hormone from the pineal gland in the
brain which is turned on by darkness and turned off by flashing lights.
It is the same gland which has been thought to trigger puberty and
affects the reproductive cycle and sex mood.
What is the true role of parents?
American educators are putting the blame for their failures (i.e.
teenage pregnancy) on the parents. In fact in Wisconsin and many other
states the grandparents of a baby born to a teenager are responsible for
the financial support of the child. Remember parents are not needed if
their teenage daughter needs contraceptives or abortion. Faced with such
hypocrisy, the parents job is to instill in their teenagers mind what
is not taught in sex ed classes, i.e. reason not to engage in sex,
reason not to get pregnant, etc. At the same time, they should divert
their energies to some productive activities like community work,
sports, character growth, or Sunday schools. Another role of parents is
to help their children make the right decisions.
In Islam anything which leads to wrong is also considered wrong.
Therefore parents should control the music children are listening to or
the TV program they are watching, the magazines they are reading, and
the clothes (which may provoke desire in the opposite sex) they are
wearing. While group social activity should be permitted with
supervision, dating should not be allowed. When American teenagers start
dating, sex is on their mind.
In fact during a recent survey, 25% of college freshman boys
responded by saying that if they have paid for the food and the girl
does not go all the way, they have a right to force her to have sex.
Many of the rapes occur at the end of the date and are not reported.
Anything which breaks down sexual inhibition and loss of self-control
i.e. alcohol, drugs, parking, petting or just being together for two
members of the opposite sex in a secluded place should not be allowed
for Muslim teenagers. Kissing and petting is preparing the body for sex.
The body can be brought to a point of no return.
In summary Muslim parents should teach their children that they are
different from non-Muslims in their value system and way of life. Having
a feeling and love in your heart for someone of the opposite sex is
different and beyond control, while expression of the same through sex
is entirely different and should be under control. Muslim children
should be told that they don’t drink alcohol, eat pork, take drugs, and
they don’t have to engage in pre-marital sex either.
Islamic Concept of Sexuality
Islam recognizes the power of sexual need, but the subject is
discussed in the Quran and the saying of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) in a
serious manner, in regard to marital and family life. Parents should
familiarize themselves with this body of knowledge.
Sayings of prophet Mohammed
1. “When one of you have sex with your wife, it is a rewarded act of
charity.” The companions were surprised and said, “But we do it purely
out of our desire. How can it be counted as charity?” The Prophet
replied, “If you had done it with a forbidden woman, it would have been
counted as a sin, but if you do it in legitimacy, it is counted as
charity.”
2. Let not one of you fall upon his wife suddenly. It is more appropriate to send a message before the act.
3. Do not divulge the secrets of your sex life with your wife to another person nor describe her physical feature to anyone.
Concept of Adultery in Islam
God says in the Quran, “Do not go near to adultery. Surely it is a
shameful deed and evil, opening roads (to other evils)” (17:32). “Say,
‘Verily, my Lord has prohibited the shameful deeds, be it open or
secret, sins and trespasses against the truth and reason”‘ (7:33).
“Women impure are for men impure, and men impure are for women impure
and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for
women of purity” (24:26). Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), has said in many
place that adultery is one of the three major sins. However the most
interesting story is that of a young man who went to the Prophet and
asked for permission to fornicate because he could not control himself.
The Prophet dealt with him with reasoning and asked him if he would
approve of someone else having illegal sex with his mother, sister,
daughter or wife. Each time the man said ‘no’. Then the Prophet replied
that the woman with whom you plan to have sex is also somebody’s mother,
sister, daughter or wife. The man understood and repented. The Prophet
prayed for his forgiveness.
Adultery is a crime not against one person but against the whole of
society. It is a violation of marital contract. 50% of all first time
marriages in this country result in divorce in two years and the main
reason for divorce is the adultery of one of the partners. Adultery,
which includes both pre-marital and extra marital sex, is an epidemic in
this society. Nobody seems to listen to the Bible which says
frequently, “Thou shall not commit adultery.” The Quranic approach is,
“Do not approach adultery.”
What does it mean that not only is illegal sex prohibited, but
anything which leads to illegal sex is also illegal? These things
include dating, provocative dress, nudity, obscenity and pornography.
The dress code both for men and women is to protect them from temptation
and desires by on lookers who may lose self-control and fall into sin.
“Say to the believing men that they should lower their gaze and guard
their modesty; that will make for greater purity, and God is well
acquainted with all they do. And say to the believing woman that they
should lower their gaze, and guard their modesty” (24:30-3 1).
Concept of Marriage in Islam
Islam recognizes the strong sexual urge and desire for reproduction.
Thus Islam encourages marriage as a legal sexual means and as a shield
from immorality (sex without commitment). In Islam the marriage of a man
and woman is not just a financial and legal living arrangement, not
even just for reproduction, but providing a total commitment to each
other, a contract witnessed by God. Love and joy of companionship is a
part of the commitment. A married couple assumes a new social status and
responsibility for himself, his wife and his children and for the
community. The Quran says, “Among His signs is that He created consorts
for you from among yourself, so that you may find tranquillity with
them, and (He) set love and compassion between you. Verily in this are
signs for people who reflect” (30:21).
Sayings of prophet Mohammed
“Marriage is my tradition. He who rejects my tradition is not of me” (Bukhari, Muslim).
“Marriage is half of religion. The other half is being God-fearing” (Tabarani, Hakim).
In Islam there is no fixed rule as to the age of marriage. It is
becoming fashionable for young Muslim men not to marry until they have
completed their education, have a job, or reached age 26-30 or more.
Similarly young Muslim girls say they want to marry after age 24. Why?
When asked, they say, “I am not ready for it.” Not ready for what? Don’t
they have normal sexual desire? If the answer is yes, then they have
only one of the two choices a) marry or b) postpone sex (abstinence
until they marry). The Quran says, “Let those who find not the where
withal for marriage, to keep them selves chaste till God find them the
means from His Grace” (24:33).
The Prophet said, “Those of you who own the means should marry,
otherwise should keep fasting for it curbs desires” (Ibn Massoud). The
Western reason for delaying marriage is different than ours. When I
suggested this to one of my sexually active young female patients, she
bluntly said, “I don’t want to sleep with the same guy every night.”
Role Of Muslim Parents And Muslim Organizations
I am not proposing that all Muslim youth be married at age 16. But I
must say that youth should accept the biological instinct and make
decisions which will help to develop a more satisfied life devoted to
having a career rather than spending time in chasing (or dreaming about)
the opposite sex. Parents should help their sons and daughters in
selection of their mate using Islamic practice as a criteria and not
race, colour or wealth. They should encourage them to know each other in
a supervised setting. The community organization has several roles to
play.
a) To provide a platform for boys and girls to see and know each other without any intimacy.
b) Offer premarital educational courses to boys and girls over 18
separately to prepare them for the role of father and husband and of
mother and wife. The father has a special role, mentioned by Prophet
Muhammad (PBUH), “One who is given by God, a child, he should give it a
beautiful name, should give him or her education, and training and when
he or she attains puberty, he should see to it that he or she is
married. If the father does not arrange their marriage after puberty,
and the boy or girl is involved in sin, the responsibility of that sin
will lie with the father”
Marriage of Muslim girls in the USA
Marriage of Muslim girls in this country is becoming a problem. I was
not surprised to read the letter of a Muslim father in a national
magazine. He complained that in spite of his doing his best in teaching
Islam to his children, his college-going daughter announced that she is
going to marry a non-Muslim boy whom she met in college.
As a social scientist I am more interested in the analysis of the
events. To be more specific, why would a Muslim girl prefer a non-Muslim
boy over a Muslim? The following reasons come to mind:
- She is opposed to and scared of arranged marriages. She should be
told that not all arranged marriages are bad ones and that 50% of all
love marriages end up in a divorce in this country. Arranged marriages
can be successful if approved by both the boy and girl. That is, they
need to be a party to the arrangement. I am myself opposed to the blind
arranged marriage.
- Muslim boys are not available to her to make a choice. While
parents have no objection or cannot do anything about non-Muslim boys
with whom she talks or socializes at school or college for forty hours a
week, she is not allowed to talk to a Muslim boy in the mosque or in a
social gathering. If she does, they frown at her or even accuse her of
having a loss character. As a Muslim boy put it, “If I grow up knowing
only non-Muslim girls, why do my parents expect me to marry a Muslim
one?”
- Some Muslim boys do not care for Muslim girls. On the pretext of
missionary work after marriage, they get involved with non-Muslim girls
because of their easy availability. Muslim parents who also live with an
inferiority complex do not mind their son marrying an American girl of
European background but they would object if he marries a Muslim girl of
a different school of Islamic thought (Shiah/Sunni) or different tribe
like Punjabi, Sunni, Pathan, Arab vs. non-Arab, Afro-American vs.
immigrant, or different class, Syed vs. non-Syed. Both the parents and
the body should be reminded that the criteria for choosing a spouse that
was given by the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was not wealth nor color but
Islamic piety.
- She may have been told that early marriage, that is, age 18 or
less, is taboo and that she should wait until the age of 23 or 25.
According to statistics, 80% of American girls, while waiting to get
settled in life and married, engage freely in sex with multiple
boyfriends. However, this option is not available to Muslim girls. Every
year nearly one million teenage girls in this country who think that
they are not ready for marriage, get pregnant. By the age of 24 when a
Muslim girl decides that she is ready for marriage, it may be too large
for her. If she reviews the matrimonial ad section in Islamic magazines,
she will quickly notice that the boys of the age group of 25 to 30 are
looking for girls from 18 to 20 year age group. They may wrongfully
assume that an older girl may not be a virgin.
Thus, unless these issues are addressed, many Muslim girls in the US may end up marrying a non-Muslim or remain unmarried.
Curriculum For Islamic Sex Education
Islamic sex ed should be taught at home starting at an early age.
Before giving education about anatomy and physiology, the belief in the
Creator should be well established. As Dostoevsky put it, “Without God,
everything is possible,” meaning that the lack of belief or awareness of
God gives an OK for wrongdoing.
A father should teach his son and a mother should teach her daughter.
In the absence of a willing parent, the next best choice should be a
Muslim male teacher (preferably a physician) for boys and a Muslim
female teacher (preferably a physician) for a girl at the Islamic Sunday
school.
The curriculum should be tailored according to age of the child and
classes be held separately. Only pertinent answers to a question should
be given. By this I mean that if a five year old asks how he or she got
into mommie’s stomach, there is no need to describe the whole act of
intercourse. Similarly it is not necessary to tell a fourteen year old
how to put on condoms. This might be taught in premarital class just
before his or her marriage. A curriculum for sex ed should Include:
a. Sexual growth and development
* Time table for puberty
* Physical changes during puberty
* Need for family life
b. Physiology of reproductive system
* For girls- the organ, menstruation, premenstrual syndrome
* For boys- the organ, the sex drive
c. Conception, development of fetus and birth
d. Sexually transmitted disease (VD/AIDS) (emphasize the Islamic aspect)
e. Mental, emotional and social aspects of puberty
f Social, moral and religious ethics
g. How to avoid peer pressure
Sex Education after Marriage
This essay is not intended to be a sex manual for married couples,
although I may write such someday. I just wanted to remind the reader of
a short verse in the Quran and then elaborate. The verse is, “They are
your garments, and you are their garments” (2:187).
Husbands and wives are described as garments for each other. A
garment is very close to our body, so they should be close to each
other. A garment protects and shields our modesty, so they should do the
same to each other. Garments are put on anytime we like, so should they
be available to each other anytime. A garment adds to our beauty, so
they should praise and beautify each other.
For husbands I should say that sex is an expression of love and one
without the other is incomplete. One of your jobs is to educate your
wife in matters of sex especially in your likes and dislikes and do not
compare her to other women.
For wives I want to say that a man’s sexual needs are different than a
women’s. Instead of being a passive recipient of sex, try to be an
active partner. He is exposed to many temptations outside the home. Be
available to please him and do not give him a reason to make a choice
between you and hellfire.
From the book: Sex Education: An Islamic Perspective (Edited by Shahid Athar , M.D.)
Shahid Athar M.D. is Clinical Associate Professor of Internal
Medicine and Endocrinology, Indiana University School of Medicine
Indianapolis, Indi
