(An Excerpt from the Book “The Ideal Muslim: The True Islâmic Personality of the Muslim
as
Defined in the Qur’ân and Sunnah”)
Islamic
View of Marriage and Woman
Marriage
in Islam offers tranquility to the soul and peace to the mind, so that man and
woman may live together in an atmosphere of love, mercy, harmony, co-operation,
mutual advice and tolerance, and lay the foundation for raising a Muslim family
in a nurturing, sound environment.
The
Holy Qur’an has described, in the most moving and eloquent terms, this
eternal, natural relationship between man and woman, which is filled with
tranquility, security, love, understanding and compassion:
[And
among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves,
that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy
between your [hearts]: verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.]
(Qur’an 30:21)
Marriage
is a union of souls, in the deepest sense. Allah (S.W.T.) joins these two souls
together so that they may enjoy tranquility and stability in a marital home
filled with sincere love and compassionate mercy.
In
Islam, the righteous woman is viewed as one of the joys of this life, and a
great blessing to a man, for he comes home to her and relaxes after facing the
struggles of life, and finds with her incomparable peace, comfort and pleasure.
The Prophet (S.A.W.) spoke only the truth said:
“This
world is just temporary conveniences, and the best comfort in this word is a
righteous woman.” (Muslim)
Islam
regards marriage very highly, and views femininity as something to be valued and
cherished.
The
ideal Muslim’s wife
On
the basis of this view of marriage and of women, the Muslim is not attracted by
the empty-headed attitude displayed by some girls nowadays. Rather, he is
attracted by a sound Muslim personality, and he takes his time in choosing a
partner for life, looking for a partner who has the right Islamic
characteristics which make for a stable and happy married life. Therefore he is
not interested in the superficial physical beauty, grace and elegance that are
the sole concern of empty-headed youngsters. While he may not ignore physical
looks, he must look for strong religious beliefs and practice, intelligence, and
good behavior, following the advice of the Prophet (S.A.W):
“A
woman may be married for four things: for her wealth, for her noble descent, for
her beauty or for her religion. Choose the one who is religious, lest your hands
be rubbed with dust!” (Bukhari and Muslim)
Although
the Prophet (S.A.W.) advised the young Muslim to look for a religious wife, this
does not mean that he should ignore his preferences regarding physical beauty.
The Prophet (S.A.W.) encouraged seeing a woman before finalizing the marriage,
so that a Muslim will not find himself trapped in a marriage with a woman he
finds unattractive.
Al-Mughirah
ibn Sha‘bah said:
“I
got engaged to a woman at the time of the Prophet (S.A.W). He asked me, ‘Have
you seen her?’ I said, ‘No.’ He said, ‘Go and have a look at her,
because it is more fitting that love and compatibility be established between
you.’” [1]
A
man who had got engaged to a woman of the Ansar came to the Prophet (S.A.W), who
asked him: “Have you seen her?” He said, “No.” so the Prophet (S.A.W.)
ordered him to go and see her.2
The
Prophet (S.A.W.) emphasized, in more than one hadith, the fact that beauty is
one of the basic characteristics that a man should look for in a woman, besides
the other, moral, characteristics that are desirable. Indeed, the two are
inseparable. For example, he told Ibn ‘Abbas (R.A.A):
“Shall
I tell you the most precious thing a man can have? It is a righteous wife: when
he looks at her he is pleased, when he tells her to do something she obeys, and
when he is away she is faithful and loyal to him.”3
Abu
Hurayrah (R.A.A.) said:
“The
Prophet (S.A.W.) was asked: ‘Which woman is the best?’ He said, ‘The one
who pleases him when he looks at her, who obeys him when he tells her to do
something, and who does not do something he dislikes with regard to herself or
to his wealth.”4
This
is the guidance given by the Prophet (S.A.W.) regarding the personality of the
woman who can bring happiness, tranquillity and stability to a man, and who can
make a cheerful, pleasant and secure home in which to raise a brood of
successful, courageous, intelligent children. The Prophet (S.A.W.) insisted that
marriage should be firmly built on a solid foundation, striking a balance
between physical, mental, spiritual and emotional needs, so that it will not be
rocked by personality clashes or differences in attitude. Therefore the true
Muslim who is guided by the shari‘ah of Allah (S.W.T.) in all his affairs,
does not fall for the wiles of the “jezebels” who are the beautiful women of
bad character; rather he (S.A.W.) tells people: “Beware of the
‘jezebels’.”5
He
follows the guidance of Islam in his married life
After
marriage, the true Muslim adheres to the Islamic injunction to treat his wife
well. The Islamic recommendations concerning women, and the way in which Islam
encourages men to respect them, are nothing short of amazing.
Islam
recommends men to treat women well, and gives them a status that they have never
enjoyed in any other religion. So we see the Prophet (S.A.W.) admonishing all
men:
“Treat
women kindly, for woman was created from a rib. The part of it that is most bent
is the top. If you try to straighten it you will break it, and if you leave it
alone it will remain bent. So treat women kindly.”
(Bukhari and Muslim)
According
to a report given by Bukhari and Muslim, he (S.A.W.) said:
“Woman
is like a rib: if you try to straighten it you will break it, and if you enjoy
her (or your relationship with her), you will do so in spite of her
crookedness.”
According
to a report given by Muslim, he (S.A.W.) said:
“Woman
was created from a rib. She will never be straightforward and consistent for you
in any way. If you enjoy her (or your relationship with her), you will do so in
spite of her crookedness. If you try to straighten her, you will break her, and
her breaking is her divorce.”
This
description given by the Prophet (S.A.W.) eloquently describes the reality and
nature of woman. She will not remain consistent in the way her husband may wish,
but the Muslim husband must understand that this is her nature, the way she has
been created. He should not try to straighten her in the way he is convinced is
correct, but he should respect her unique feminine nature and accept her the way
Allah (S.W.T.) made her, complete with the “crookedness” that means that she
will not be as he wishes in some aspects. If he insists on straightening her and
molding her to his wishes, it will be like trying to straighten a bent rib: it
will break in his hands, and the breaking of a woman is divorce (i.e., the
matter will end in divorce).
When
the Muslim husband truly follows this guidance of the Prophet (S.A.W), which is
based on a deep understanding of the psychology and nature of women, he will
tolerate his wife’s mistakes and turn a blind eye to her faults, recognizing
that these are part of her nature. Thus the marital home will be safe and calm,
free from shouting or arguments.
We
may note that in the hadith quoted above, the Prophet (S.A.W.) started with the
words “Treat women kindly,” then after analyzing the nature of woman, he
ended with the same words: “Treat women kindly.” How great was the concern
of the Prophet (S.A.W.) for women, and how deep was his understanding of their
psychology! Does the sincere Muslim husband have any choice but to follow this
guidance and put it into practice at every moment?
The
Prophet’s concern for women reached such an extent that he did not forget to
remind Muslims to treat them kindly, in his farewell sermon (khutbat al-wada‘).
This is the khutbah in which the Prophet (S.A.W.) reiterated the
essential points of Islam, when he realized that this was the last time he would
stand and address the Muslims during Hajj. He did not omit to advise Muslims to
treat women kindly, beginning his words concerning women with a warning that is
indicative of his care and concern:
“.
. . Interact with women kindly, for they are prisoners and you have no other
power over them than that, if they are guilty of open lewdness, then refuse to
share their beds, and beat them, but not severely, but if they return to
obedience, (then) seek not against them means of annoyance. You have rights over
your women and they have rights over you. Your right over them is that they
should not entertain at your hearth anyone (or commit adultery with), and not to
allow into your home anyone whom you dislike, and their right over you is that
you should feed and clothe them well.” 6
This
is good advice, in which every sincere Muslim husband recognizes the wisdom of
the Prophet (S.A.W.) in defining the rights and duties of husband and wife in a
framework of mercy and compassion towards women which leaves no room for even
thinking of oppressing or harming one’s wife.
The
Prophet (S.A.W.) gave many recommendations concerning women, to the extent that
he described the man who treats his wife well as being one of the best and among
the elite of his Ummah:
“The
believer who has the most perfect faith is the one whose behaviour is best, and
the best of you are the ones who are best to their women.” 7
Some
women came to the family of the Prophet (S.A.W.) complaining about their
husbands. So the Prophet (S.A.W.) announced to the men:
“Many
women have visited the family of Muhammad, complaining about their husbands.
Verily those are not the best among you.” 8
True
Islam is pre-eminent in its fairness and respect towards women, and in its
recommendation to husbands to treat their wives well even if they dislike them.
This is something which women have never enjoyed throughout their history,
except in this religion. Allah (S.W.T.) says in the Qur’an:
".
. . live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If you take a dislike to
them it may be that you dislike a thing, and Allah brings about through it a
great deal of good."
(Qur’an 4:19)
This
Ayah touches the heart of the true Muslim, so that his anger is soothed
and his dislike towards his wife is lessened. In this way Islam protects the
sacred marriage bond from being exposed to the danger of turbulent emotions and
the folly of changing moods. When a man came to ‘Umar ibn al-Khattab (R.A.A.)
and told him that he wanted to divorce his wife because he disliked her, ‘Umar
(R.A.A.) said, “Woe to you! Are families only built on love? Where is your
consideration and care?”
The
marriage bond in Islam is of greater importance than emotional whims and rises
above the pressures of crazy animal urges. The true Muslim possesses enough
chivalry, nobility, courtesy, patience, generosity and strength of character to
make him rise above any dislike of his wife in his dealings with her. Far be it
from him to think only in terms of mindless animal instincts or making a profit!
The
true Muslim cannot do other than obey his Rabb; so he treats his wife
well even if he dislikes her, because he understands the words of his wise Rabb
about the things that are hidden from him, and they are many. A man may dislike
something and try to distance himself from it, when in fact it is full of
goodness and blessing. The true Muslim knows how to love and how to hate. Love
is not blind for him, neither does he go to extremes of dislike and hatred, but
in either case his attitude is moderate and balanced.
The
Prophet (S.A.W.) explained that even if a husband dislikes his believing Muslim
wife, she will still have some favorable characteristics which will please him,
so he should not ignore the good side of her character and focus only on the
negative aspects:
“No
believing man should hate a believing woman. If he dislikes one of her
characteristics, there will be others that do please him.” (Muslim)
The
true Muslim is an ideal husband
The
true Muslim abides by the clear, unambiguous texts of the Qur’an which command
him to treat women fairly and decently. He cannot be other than an ideal
husband, so his wife enjoys his gentle company and close companionship, no
matter how long they stay together. When he comes home, he greets his wife and
children with a smiling face and extends to them the blessed greeting that Allah
(S.W.T.) has enjoined and made the distinctive greeting of Islam:9
".
. . But if you enter houses, salute each other a greeting or blessing and purity
as from Allah . . ."
(Qur’an 24:61)
The
Prophet (S.A.W.) encouraged Anas (R.A.A.) to use this greeting: “O my son,
when you go home greet your family with salam: it will be a blessing for
you and your family.”10
It
is truly a great blessing for a man to meet his family with a pleasant greeting,
for it contributes to a happy, friendly and pleasant atmosphere. He should lend
a hand if he sees that his wife needs his help, and he should say some words of
comfort if he feels that she is complaining of tiredness, weariness or boredom.
He should make her feel that she is living with a strong, generous, tolerant
husband who will protect her and care for her, who cares about her and will meet
all her legitimate needs as long as he is able.
He
should also satisfy her femininity by making himself attractive to her within
Islamic limits and should give her a share of his time and interest. He should
not let his study, work, hobbies, responsibilities or friends take up all of his
time and keep him from her. Islam guarantees woman’s right to enjoy her
husband to the extent that it even tells the husband not to spend all his time
in worship, which is the best and most honorable of deeds, lest the balance and
equilibrium upon which this religion is based be disturbed. We see this in the
report of ‘Abdullah ibn ‘Amr ibn al-‘Aî (R.A.A), who says that when the
Prophet (S.A.W.) learned of his overzealousness in worship, he said to him:
“Have
I not heard that you fast all day and stay up all night in prayer?”
‘Abdullah said, “That is true, O Messenger of Allah.” The Prophet (S.A.W.)
told him: “Do not do that. Fast and break your fast, sleep and get up. For
your body has a right over you, your eyes have a right over you, your wife has a
right over you, and your visitors have a right over you.” (Bukhari and Muslim)
Khawlah,
the daughter of Hakim, who was the wife of ‘Uthman ibn Maz‘un (R.A.A), came
to the wives of the Prophet (S.A.W.) wearing a tattered dress and looking
unkempt. They asked her, “What is wrong with you?” She told them about her
husband: “At night he stays up in prayer, and during the day he fasts.” They
told the Prophet (S.A.W.) what she had said, so when he saw ‘Uthman ibn
Maz‘un, he admonished him and said, “Do you not have an example in me?”
‘Uthman said, “Of course, may Allah (S.W.T.) cause me to be sacrificed for
you!” Later, she (Khawlah) came back wearing fine clothes and with a pleasant
scent. According to another report, the Prophet (S.A.W.) told him: “O
‘Uthman, monasticism has not been prescribed for us. Do you not have an
example in me? For by Allah (S.W.T), I am the one out of all of you who fears
Allah (S.W.T.) the most and keeps most strictly within His bounds.”11
The
Prophet (S.A.W.) used to instill this guidance in his Companions and showed them
how to achieve fairness and balance between their spiritual lives and their
private lives with their spouses, until this fairness and balance became second
nature to them. Then they would encourage one another to adhere to it, and would
appeal to the Prophet (S.A.W.) if one of their number sought to go beyond the
limits and was becoming extreme in his asceticism, self-denial and worship.
Imam
Bukhari narrated that Abu Juhayfah (R.A.A.) said:
“The
Prophet (S.A.W.) established brotherhood between Salman and Abul-Darda’.
Salman visited Abul-Darda’ and saw Umm al-Darda’ looking unkempt. He asked
her, ‘What is the matter with you?’ She said, ‘Your brother Abul-Darda’
has no need of this world.’ Abul-Darda’ came and made some food for him, and
told him: ‘Eat; I am fasting.’ Salman said, ‘I will not eat until you
eat,’ so he ate. That night, Abul-Darda’ wanted to spend the night in
prayer, but Salman told him to sleep, so he went to sleep. Then he wanted to get
up, but Salman again told him to sleep. In the last part of the night, Salman
told him, ‘Now get up.’ So they prayed, and Salman told him: ‘Your Rabb
has a right over you, your soul has a right over you, and your wife has a right
over you, so fulfil your duty to each one who has a right over you.’ Abul-Darda’
came to the Prophet (S.A.W.) and told him about what had happened, and the
Prophet (S.A.W.) said: ‘Salman is right.’”
The
conscientious Muslim does not neglect to relieve the tedium of routine life with
his wife, so he spices their daily life with a little gentle humor and
playfulness from time to time. In doing so, he follows the example of the
Prophet (S.A.W.) whose whole life is the highest example for us. Although he was
constantly busy with the overwhelming task of laying the foundations of Islam,
building the Muslim Ummah, directing the army in jihad, and numerous other
concerns, he did not let that keep him from being an ideal husband to his wives,
treating them in the best possible way, with a smiling face and a touch of
gentle humor.
An
example is the report given by ‘A’ishah (R.A.A.) who said:
“I
came to the Prophet (S.A.W.) with some harirah (a dish made with flour
and milk) that I had cooked for him, and told Sawdah (R.A.A.) as the Prophet (S.A.W.)
was sitting between me and her - ‘Eat.’ She refused, so I said, ‘Either
you eat, or I will fill your face!’ She still refused, so I put my hand in the
harirah and daubed her face with it. The Prophet (S.A.W.) laughed, put
some harirah in her hand, and told her: ‘Do the same to her!’” In
another report: “He lowered his knee (moved out of the way) so that she could
get her own back on me, then she took some from the plate and wiped my face with
it, and the Prophet (S.A.W.) smiled.” 12
Is
this not an example of tolerance and an easy-going nature which makes a wife
happy through a humorous and light-hearted attitude?
‘A’ishah
also reported that once, when she went on a journey with the Prophet (S.A.W),
she challenged him to a race, and won. Later, when she had gained weight, she
raced him again, but this time he won, and told her, “This is for that.”13
The
generous-hearted Prophet (S.A.W.) was so keen to make his beloved young wife
feel happy that he would call her to enjoy some innocent kinds of entertainment
that would gladden her heart. ‘A’ishah reports that on one occasion:
“The
Prophet (S.A.W.) was sitting, and he heard some noise from people and children
outside. There was a group of people gathered around some Abyssinians who were
dancing. He said, ‘O ‘A’ishah, come and see!’ I put my cheek on his
shoulder and looked through the gap. Then he said, ‘O ‘A’ishah, have you
had enough, have you had enough?’ I said, ‘No,’ just to see how much I
meant to him, and I saw him shifting his weight from one foot to the other”
(i.e. he was tired, but he was willing to stay as long as she wanted to watch
the spectacle.)14
In
another report, ‘A’ishah said:
“By
Allah (S.W.T), I saw the Prophet (S.A.W.) standing at the door of my room, when
some Abyssinians were playing with spears in the mosque. The Messenger of Allah
(S.A.W.) screened me with his cloak so that I could watch the spear-play over
his shoulder. He stayed there for my sake, until I had seen enough. So pay
attention to young girls’ need for entertainment.” (Bukhari and Muslim)
When
he sees the example of the Prophet’s kind behavior, generosity and good humor
towards his wives, the true Muslim cannot but treat his wife kindly and gently,
with an easy-going attitude, so long as this is within the limits of permissible
and innocent entertainment.
The
true Muslim does not overreact and become angry for trivial reasons, as many
ignorant husbands do, creating uproar if their wives offer them food that is not
to their liking, or their meal is a little late, or any of the other reasons
which often cause an inordinate amount of anger, arguments and trouble between
the spouses. The Muslim who is truly following the example of the Prophet (S.A.W.)
always remembers aspects of his character that remind him to be generous, kind
and tolerant. So he remembers that one of the characteristics of the Prophet (S.A.W.)
is that “he never criticized food. If he liked it, he ate it, and if he did
not like it, he simply left it.” (Bukhari and Muslim)
And
he remembers that the Prophet (S.A.W.) asked his family for some simple food he
could eat with bread. They told him, “We have nothing apart from vinegar.”
He asked them to bring it and said, “How good a simple food is vinegar, how
good a simple food is vinegar.” (Muslim)
Let
them listen to this hadith, those foolish husbands whose eyes flash with anger
at their wives’ mistakes, when their food is a little late or not to their
liking. Their poor wives may have genuine, pressing reasons for making these
mistakes, but these husbands become angry without caring to know those reasons,
on the basis of an incorrect understanding of the phrase “men are qawwamun
over women”!
The
true Muslim husband does not stop at showing kindness and generosity towards his
wife, but he extends his respect and kindness towards her decent (female)
friends. This is in accordance with the practice of the Prophet (S.A.W).
‘A’ishah narrated:
“An
old woman came to the Prophet (S.A.W.) and he smiled at her, showed her respect,
and asked her, ‘How are you? How have you been doing?’ She answered, ‘I am
fine, may my father and mother be sacrificed for you, O Messenger of
Allah.’” When she had left, ‘A’ishah said, “Why did you welcome this
old woman so warmly, in a way that you do not welcome anyone else?” The
Prophet (S.A.W.) replied, “She used to come and visit us when Khadijah was
alive. Do you not know that honouring the ties of friendship is part of
faith?” 15
A
wife may become angry for any reason, and keep away from her husband, making him
feel her anger. In this case, the Muslim husband responds with tolerance and
kindness, based on his deep insight into the psychology and nature of woman, as
the Prophet (S.A.W.) used to treat his wives whenever they were angry with him
and kept away from him all day until night fell.
‘Umar ibn al-Khattab (R.A.A.) said: “We Quraysh used to have control
over our women. When we came to Madinah we found a people whose women had
control over them, and our women began to learn from their women. I used to live
in al-‘Awali, among Banu Umayyah ibn Zayd. One day my wife was angry with me,
and was arguing with me. I did not like this, but she told me, ‘Do you not
like me arguing with you? By Allah (S.W.T), the wives of the Prophet (S.A.W.)
argue with him. They get angry and keep away from him all day, until night
falls!’ So I went to see afîah and asked her, ‘Do you argue with the
Prophet (S.A.W)?’ She said, ‘Yes.’ I asked her, ‘Do you get angry and
keep away from him all day until night falls?’ She said, ‘Yes.’ I said,
‘The one who does that is doomed to loss! Do you not fear the anger of Allah (S.W.T.)
on the account of the anger of His Prophet? Soon you will be condemned! Do not
argue with the Messenger of Allah, and do not ask him for anything. Ask me for
whatever you need.’” (Bukhari, Muslim, al-Tirmidhi and al-Nisa’i) ‘Umar
came to the Prophet (S.A.W.) and told him about what had happened in his house,
and the conversation he had with Safîah,
and the Prophet (S.A.W.) smiled.
The
Muslim should develop this tolerant attitude, so that he will be following the
example of the Prophet (S.A.W.) in his behavior and deeds. Then he will be
living proof that Islam is the religion of a superior lifestyle; and that the
misery, disintegration, confusion and anxiety that individuals, families and
societies are suffering from are caused by man’s ignorance and misconceptions
of the noble values promulgated by Islam. These are precious principles which,
if adopted by the husband, would put an end to arguments and divisions in family
life, and would bring peace, stability, happiness and security to the home.
One
of the most successful husbands
Hence
the smart Muslim husband is one of the most successful husbands ever, and the
most beloved to a faithful, pure, righteous wife, because of his adherence to
the guidance of Islam. He has a deep and compassionate understanding of her
nature and psychology, and he directs her towards the straight path of Islam,
which is in complete harmony with the true nature of mankind. He recognizes her
inclinations, desires and moods, and tries to reconcile between them and the
ideal life and behaviour he wants for her, while never forgetting for an instant
that she has been created from a bent rib, and straightening a bent rib is
impossible.
He
understands his wife and respects her feelings
The
true Muslim always understands his wife and respects her feelings. He does not
criticize her family or any of her relations in front of her, out of respect for
her feelings. In return, she respects his feelings and does not do or say
anything that may adversely affect any member of his family.
He
does not disclose any secret that she has entrusted to him, or spread any story
that she has told him in confidence, for carelessness in such matters all too
often explodes into conflict between the spouses and extinguishes the love
between them. The sincere Muslim husband is protected from all of that, so long
as he continues to follow the guidance of Islam.
He
helps her to make up for her failings and weaknesses
The
sincere Muslim husband tries to make up for what his wife lacks, if he feels
that she is lacking in knowledge or manners. He does this in the gentlest,
kindest and most positive manner. If he encounters defiance or wilful deviance
on her part, he brings her back to the straight and narrow in a gentle, humane
and intelligent manner, avoiding harsh criticism or rebuking her in front of
people, no matter what the reason. The most hurtful thing for a woman is that
someone should hear her being reprimanded or witness her being scolded. The true
Muslim is the most sensitive and respectful towards the feelings of others.
He
knows how to strike a balance between pleasing his wife and treating his mother
with due kindness and respect
The
sincere Muslim husband draws upon his intelligence, compassion and strength of
character in his dealings with both his wife and his mother, in such a way that
he does not offend either of them. So he cannot be disobedient towards his
mother or oppressive towards his wife. Rather, he recognizes his mother’s
rights and treats her in the best possible way, while also recognizing his
wife’s rights. He does not detract from his wife’s rights in the course of
fulfilling his duty towards his mother and taking care of her. The truly sincere
Muslim is able to do this, as long as he is truly conscious of Allah (S.W.T.)
(i.e., has taqwA.) and follows the guidance and teachings of Islam, which
treat both mother and wife with fairness and give each her due status.
He
fully understands his role as a protector and maintainer (qawwam) of his
wife
With
such good attitudes and gentle treatment, the Muslim husband wins the heart of
his wife, so she does not disobey him in anything. Therefore the Muslim man has
been given the position of qawwam over women, because of the
characteristics which Islam instills in him, the qualifications it has given him
and the conditions and limits it has imposed on him:
"Men
are the protectors and maintainers [qawwamun] of women, because of Allah
has given the one more [strength] than the other, and because they support them
from their means...]"
(Qur’an 4:34)
This
position of qawwam brings with it some inconveniences, for it gives men
responsibilities. The man is completely responsible for his wife:
“Each
of you is a shepherd, and each of you is responsible for those under his care. A
ruler is a shepherd; a man is the shepherd of his family; a woman is the
shepherd of her husband’s house and children. For each of you is a shepherd
and each of you is responsible for those under his care.” (Bukhari and Muslim)
This
responsibility applies to every individual in an Islamic society, in which
everyone is responsible in one way or another, because according to Islam, life
is a serious matter, not something to be taken lightly.
Just
as Islam has enjoined good treatment of woman and raised her status, so it has
also commanded her to understand her role in life, and to stay within the limits
of the Shari‘ah, so that she may better fulfil her role in life as a partner
to man in bringing up the next generation and making life more pleasant and
enjoyable.
Similarly,
just as Islam has required man to treat his wife kindly and take care of her
properly, so it has commanded the wife to obey him within the limits of
permissibility, fairness and justice. This obedience is most strongly
emphasized, as is illustrated by the words of the Prophet (S.A.W.):
“If
I were to order anyone to prostrate to anyone else, I would have ordered the
woman to prostrate to her husband.” 16
Indeed,
he said that the husband’s satisfaction with her would be a cause of her
entering Paradise:
“Any
woman who dies, and her husband is pleased with her, will enter Paradise.”
(Bukhari and Muslim)
He
assured the defiant, rebellious woman that the angels would heap curses upon her
until she goes back to her husband:
“If
a woman stays away from her husband’s bed, the angels will curse her until
morning.” (Bukhari and Muslim)
The
concern of Islam to affirm man’s position of qawwam over women and
reinforce her obligation to obey and please him, goes as far as forbidding her
to fast at times other than Rama¼an or to receive any guests without his
permission:
“The
woman is not permitted to fast when her husband is present, without his
permission, or to invite anyone into his house without his permission.”
(Bukhari and Muslim)
Islam
gave the husband this right to be qawwam over his wife so that he will be
a real man, knowing how to steer the ship of family life towards the shore of
safety and guidance. Islam warns all men against the trial and temptation (fitnah)
of women, which may make them heedless and weak, and lessen their religious
commitment, so that they turn a blind eye to the waywardness and un-Islamic
behavior of their wives. In such a case a husband has no say: his wife is
controlling everything in the home, so that he dare not disobey her, or answer
her back, or refuse any of her whims. The Prophet (S.A.W.) was right when he
said that this is the most damaging of trials and temptations that a man can be
faced with:
“There
will be no fitnah after my death that is worse for men than the fitnah
of women.” (Bukhari and Muslim)
The
Muslim husband is a man who is not weak in dealing with the trial of having a
wayward wife, no matter how difficult that fitnah is. He gently makes it
clear to her that no matter how much he loves her, he loves Allah (S.W.T.) and
the Prophet more, and his desire to please Allah (S.W.T.) is stronger than his
feelings for her:
"Say:
If it be that your fathers, your sons, your brothers, your mates or your
kindred; the wealth that you have gained; the commerce in which you fear a
decline; or the dwellings in which you delight -
are dearer to you than Allah, or His Messenger, or the striving in His cause,
then wait until Allah brings about His Decision: and Allah guides not the
rebellious."
(Qur’an 9:24)
In
this way, the female waywardness which we see in many so-called Muslim homes
will be done away with. The man who sees his wife, daughters and sisters going
out in the street with make-up, uncovered heads and bare arms, clothed but
seeming naked, and does nothing to stop this disobedience of Islam, has surely
lost his manhood, abandoned Islam and earned the wrath of Allah (S.W.T.). There
is no way out of his predicament but sincere repentance which will wake him up,
restore his manhood and set him back on the straight path.
Islam
has set out standards for women, and has defined the kind of clothing she should
wear when she goes out in the street or appears in from of men who are not-mahram.
This type of clothing is known as hijab. The Muslim woman who has been
nurtured in pure Islam and has grown up in its protective atmosphere accepts
this hijab willingly and with a deep sense of conviction, knowing that it
is from Allah (S.W.T.), and that it is not a tyranny designed by men to satisfy
their egotistical desires to control women, or a custom invented during the
decadent Umawi (Umayyad) period, as is claimed by those worthless fools who have
no sound proof from the Qur’an whatsoever.
In
a report narrated by Bukhari, ‘A’ishah said: “May Allah have mercy on the
early muhajir women. When Allah (S.W.T.) revealed: ".
. .they should draw their veils over their bosoms. . ."
(Qur’an 24:31) they tore their aprons and covered their heads and faces with
them.” In another report, also given by Bukhari, she said: “They cut their
waist-sheets at the edges and covered their heads and faces with the cut
pieces.”
Safiyyah
bint Shaybah said:
“While
we were with ‘A’ishah we mentioned the women of Quraysh and how good they
were. ‘A’ishah said: ‘The women of Quraysh are good but by Allah (S.W.T.)
I have never seen any better than the women of the Anîar or any more convinced
of the Book of Allah (S.W.T.) or with a deeper faith in the Revelation. When Surat
al-Nur was revealed "…
they
should draw their veils over their bosoms..."
the men turned to their wives, daughters, sisters and other female relatives and
recited these words to them. Not one of them failed to take her decorated
wrapper and wrap it around her head and face, in acceptance of and belief in
what Allah (S.W.T.) had revealed. The next morning they were behind the
Messenger of Allah (S.A.W.) wrapped up in their veils, looking as if they had
black crows on their heads.’”17
Many
Allah (S.W.T.) have mercy on the women of the Anîar: how strong was their
faith, how sincere was their Islam and how beautiful was their response to the
Truth when it was revealed! Every woman who truly believes in Allah (S.W.T.) and
His Messenger cannot do other than to adhere to the distinctive Islamic dress,
regardless of whatever nakedness and tabarruj (wanton display) surrounds
her. I remember a veiled Muslim student at the University of Damascus whose
attitude was no less commendable than that of the women of the Ansar; when a
visiting journalist asked her about her hijab and why she was putting up
with it in the heat of summer, she quoted: "…Say:
‘The
Fire of Hell is fiercer in heat…’ "
(Qur’an 9:81)
It
is pure, sincere Muslim girls like this who will establish Muslim families,
raise the next generation in a sound way and fill society with strong,
productive men. Nowadays there are many such girls, al-hamdulillah!
The
sincere Muslim is responsible for his womenfolk’s adherence to the Islamic
teachings regarding her going out, and the hijab which is the badge of
the Muslim woman. The day when a husband lets his wife or his environment take
over and dispenses with this Islamic ruling without being able to stand up to
them, is the day he says good-bye to both his religion and his manhood.
The
husband’s responsibility for his wife does not stop with her outward
appearance, but also includes her worship and conduct. He is responsible for her
if she omits some act of worship, or if she neglects or deliberately ignores her
duties towards Allah (S.W.T.). He is responsible for her good behavior and
completion of her duties. Any shortcomings on her part will detract from her
husband’s manhood, diminish his Islam and damage the role of qawwam
with which Allah (S.W.T.) has honored him.
Islam
considers women to be a trust which has been given to men for safe-keeping. As
the wife is usually influenced by her husband, he may take her with him to
Paradise or lead her to Hell. Therefore Allah (S.W.T.) ordered the believing men
to protect both themselves and their families from the Fire and gave a
terrifying picture of the awful fate that awaits them if they neglect their
responsibilities towards their wives and families and fail to compel them to
adhere to the truth:
"O
you who believe! Save yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is Men
and Stones, over which are [appointed] angels stern [and] severe, who flinch not
[from executing] the Commands they receive from Allah, but do [precisely] what
they are commanded."
(Qur’an 66:6)
The
role of qawwam over women which Islam gives to men cannot truly be
fulfilled unless the husband is a successful leader of his family. The Muslim
husband does not assert his manhood through roughness, cruelty, violence and
harsh words. This is the manhood of ignorance (jahiliyyah); Islamic
manhood is something else altogether. The Islamic ideal of manhood is: a strong
and likeable personality; a noble attitude; tolerance and forgiveness of minor
mistakes; strong adherence to the laws of Allah (S.W.T.) and determination to
apply them to every member of his family; brilliant leadership in guiding his
family to the truth; generosity without being extravagant; a thorough
understanding of his responsibilities in this world and the next; and a clear
idea of the ideal Muslim home. These are the characteristics of the true Muslim
as Islam wants him to be.
______________
1
Reported
by al-Nisa’i, with a îa
sahih isnad.
2
Reported
by al-Nisa’i and Ibn Majah, with a îa
sahih isnad.
3
Reported
by al-Hakim, who said it is îa
sahih
according to the conditions of Bukhari and Muslim.
4
Reported
by Imam Ahmad in al-Musnad, with a îa
sahih isnad.
5
“Iyyakum
wa khadra’ al-diman” (literally, “Beware of the greens of dung”)
is a well-known saying in Arabic. It is a proverb, not a Hadith of the
Prophet (S.A.W). [Author]
6
Reported
by al-Tirmidhi, who said it is a Hasan îa
Sahih hadith.
7
Reported
by al-Tirmidhi, who said it is a hasan îa
sahih hadith.
8
Reported
by Abu Dawud, al-Nisa’i and Ibn Majah. Ibn Hijr said in al-Isabah:
“Its isnad is Sahih.”
8
The
words with which Muslims should greet one another are “al-salam
‘alaykum” (peace be upon you), not “Hi,” “Hello,” or “Good
morning.”
10
Reported
by al-Tirmidhi who said: it is a hasan gharib hadith.
11
Al-Haythami,
4/316; al-Muntakhab 4/393; Kanz al-‘Ummal, 7/302. Al-Haythami
said: It was narrated by Abu Ya‘la, and its narrators are those who
narrated in Sahih (Bukhari), except for Muhammad ibn ‘Amr ibn
‘Alqamah, whose hadith is hasan
12A
sahih hadith, narrated by Ahmad and Abu Dawud.
13
Reported
by al-Nisa’i via Yazid ibn Ruman from ‘A’ishah. See also different
reports from her in Fath al-Bari, Bab al-‘idayn (chapter on the two
Eids).
14
Reported
by al-Hakim in al-Mustadrak; he said it is îa
sahih
according to the condition of Bukhari and Muslim
15
Reported
by al-Tirmidhi, who said it is a Hasan îa
sahih hadith.
16
See
Fath al-Bari, commentary on Sahih
Bukhari
17
See
al-Hilyah, 1/106; Tabaqat Ibn Sa‘d, 3/394; al-Kanz,
8/305.
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